F Q
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Chanukah FAQs for non-Jews
Or, ‘All I Want For Christmas is Jew’
RACHEL KURLAND | JE STAFF
t’s that time of year again: Christmas. Oh, and Chanukah, too.

For non-Jews, Chanukah has been built up to be perceived
as the most important Jewish holiday, even though we all
know the High Holidays are the real MVPs.

Growing up in the South, I was a small gefilte fish in a big winter
wonderland pond during this time of year. It was difficult to explain
to my non-Jewish friends why Santa didn’t come to my house — or
why I didn’t confront him about it at the mall.

So to answer all of those holiday questions and misconceptions
out there, here’s a little something to put you at ease so you can deck
the halls with matzah balls.

I Q: Why is it called the Festival of Lights?
A: Long version: As the story goes, the Maccabees revolted against
the Greeks, won and liberated Jerusalem. In an effort to rededicate
the Second Temple, Jews lit the menorah with only one day’s worth
of oil, which miraculously lasted eight days, hence the Festival of
Lights. Short version: The Greeks tried to kill us, we won and now
we celebrate by eating a ton of greasy fried donuts and potatoes to
remind us of the oil that lasted longer than expected.

Q: You don’t take off work for Chanukah?
A: As much as I would love to spend eight days indulging in carbs
Chanukah and Christmas tend to fall in the same holiday season,
that’s pretty much the only thing they have in common.

to celebrate our people no longer being enslaved by the Hellenistic
Greeks, the truth of the matter is that Chanukah is not as big a deal
as people make it out to be. It’s an empowering story of overcoming
religious persecution, but it’s not really in our Top 5 holidays required
to do something outrageously Jewy.

Q: Chanukah must be an important holiday for you.

A: Actually, no. Chanukah has been built up to be some store-
Q: Is there a Jewish Santa?
A: If you believe in Hanukkah Harry or Hershel the Hanukkah
Q: Oh, so this is like the Jewish Christmas?
A: No two words have ever created a stronger oxymoron. Although
brand epic celebration because it happens to fall around Christmas.

We don’t take off work or school. We don’t take an extra guilt trip
to shul. We just eat.

The High Holidays and Shabbat are the most religiously signif-
icant, but if we’re talking about personal favorites, Purim is probably
the most underrated Jewish holiday because, with all the revelry
and costumes, it’s a lot like Halloween.

48 NOVEMBER 19, 2015
Goblin, then sure. Otherwise, no. There’s a reason Friends character
Ross Geller dressed up as the pathetic mascot known as the Holiday
Armadillo: because Chanukah doesn’t actually have a mascot. We
don’t have fun characters like Santa or Rudolph. We have the real
history of the Maccabees and the Greeks. Chanukah has been made
into a big to-do when, really, it is not the most important holiday
in the Jewish calendar.

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Q: Wow, you get eight presents?!
A: It depends on each individual family. Some do seven small
gifts with the eighth one being extravagant. Others just do one
big gift. Some exchange no gifts at all. Why? Because the story
of Chanukah isn’t about presents. It’s about overcoming religious
persecution. (Of course, who wouldn’t want to celebrate that
with some nice gold hoop earrings?) Gift-giving, in my opinion,
is a way to not make the Jewish kids feel left out among their
holly jolly peers. And based on my linear understanding of
Christmas gift-giving from the cheesy holiday films I’ve seen,
people who celebrate Christmas also get more than one present,
especially with the addition of stocking stuffers and some big
reveal Christmas morning, so the idea of eight presents shouldn’t
be that shocking.

and we kind of think the stereotype is funny. Plus, you get to see all
your friends in town in one place by “coincidence,” so it becomes a
nice shindig.

Q: Why does Chanukah start on a different day each year?
A: Chanukah follows the Jewish calendar and lasts for eight days.

Because it is lunar-based, the days it falls on each year vary in the
secular calendar. It’s just a coincidence that it falls around Christmas.

Q: You must love Adam Sandler.

A: Yes, “The Chanukah Song” was funny in the ’90s and Eight
Crazy Nights was, well, it was tolerable. But just because he put out
a few “Now That’s What I Call Chanukah” hits doesn’t mean he’s
our golden calf.

Q: If Chanukah lasts for eight
Q: Where’s your Christmas tree? Do
you at least have a Chanukah bush?
A: I do not have a Christmas tree because I don’t celebrate Christ-
mas. It’s that simple. As fun as it sounds to participate in this tradition
of garnishing a plant in my living room, the idea of a Chanukah
bush is a sad alternative to a Christmas tree, in my opinion. If any
Jew wants to decorate a shrubbery with an angel and lights as a way
to feel included in the Christmas hysteria, be my guest. But it is not
a Chanukah tradition.

days, why are there nine
candles on that candelabra?
A: First, that candelabra is called a menorah. The taller candle in
the middle (or often off to one side on more modern menorahs) is
called the shamash, which means helper. The shamash is lit first,
then you use that candle to light the others.

Q: Do you really go to the movies and
instead of just H? There are dozens of ways to spell it phonetically
in English. Just don’t ask me which one to use. I still don’t know.

eat Chinese food on Christmas?
Honestly, yes. Now, not every Jew keeps this unofficial “tradi-
tion,” but it’s something that my family has always done simply be-
cause those are the only two interesting things open on that day …
Q: How do you spell Chanukah?
A: Two K’s? One N? No H? The phlegmy clear-your-throat “ch”
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