Restroom Visits
Lead to a Book
Jon Marks | Special To The JE
T oilet humor.

That’s what Larry Glanz is focused on these
days. Not funny stuff with the kind of four-letter
words that can’t be used in print or, for the most part,
said on TV or radio. But laugh-producing observa-
tions about what takes place — or doesn’t take place
— when you go to the bathroom.

No, he’s not here to tell you the best pot to — as his
Russian-born grandmother who spoke Yiddish in the
house would say —“pish” in. Or where you can feel
most comfortable taking a load off .

Rather, this longtime traveling salesman, who fre-
quented hundreds, if not thousands, of restrooms
throughout his 40-year career, is more concerned
about what you do once you’ve taken care of busi-
ness. And he’s written a book about it: “The Ultimate
Book of Bathroom Etiquette,” spelling out all the do’s
and don’ts of something we can all relate to.

“My book is about a universal subject that will
enlighten people about what they need to know
about bathroom etiquette,” said Glanz, who grew
up near Oxford Circle in the Northeast, was a bar
mitzvah at the since-closed Temple Sholom and
graduated from Northeast High School and Temple
University before moving to Cherry Hill, New Jersey,
nearly 20 years ago. “I cover every issue. If you don’t
always fl ush the toilet ... leave the light on ... spray
before you leave ... or not lock the door when you go
in. It’s very disarming.”
Glanz presents those and other issues in a unique
way, ranging from disastrous personal experiences
to nursery rhymes to song parodies to an imagina-
tive historical perspective. His “Commandments of
Bathroom Etiquette’ go well beyond 10. And there’s
a whole chapter devoted to what he calls “yingles.”
“Yingles are Jewish bathroom etiquette jingles,”
explained Glanz, who wrote three prior books, includ-
ing the original “Ultimate Book of Bathroom Etiquette”
in 1999. “Some people are uncomfortable with them
because they don’t know them. But they’re all rhyming
and, hopefully, smile-producing. And they defi nitely
keep you in touch with your Jewish background.”
For example, there’s ”When You ‘Pish’ Upon a
Star,” “Too Many Knishes,” sung to the tune of “My
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Favorite Things” from “The Sound
of Music” or “Don’t Get Paper on
my Shoes,” sung like “Blue Suede
Shoes.” Each parody has at least one
Yiddish word, while the rest of the
lyrics go into graphic detail about
bathroom issues. And in case you
don’t know the meanings, there’s a
Yiddish translation guide at the end
of the chapter.

So why does a man who once
made two appearances on “Oprah,”
following the 1994 publication of his
first book, “How to Start a Romantic
Encounter” and later wrote “Guy
Gets Girl, Girl Gets Guy,” get fixated
on bathrooms?
It sort of came with the territory.

Each parody has at
least one Yiddish
word, while the rest
of the lyrics go into
graphic detail about
bathroom issues.

“Back in the day, I drank a ton
of coffee and water, so I’m pish-
ing every time I get to a store,”
said Glanz, who sold vitamins for a
health food company for years and
still has his own business. “While I’m
using everyone’s bathrooms, I start
noticing signs everywhere.

“‘Please jiggle the handle… Please
spray the air ... Please flush ... Don’t
leave a mess. It was mainly in health
food stores.

“Eventually, I started taking pic-
tures of those signs to document it.

‘Do not throw towels in the toilet.’
‘Don’t sleep.’ Eventually, we get
one that says, ‘If you sprinkle when
you tinkle please be neat and wipe
the seat’ at Haars Health Food in
Vineland, New Jersey. You could
not believe how many people were
obsessed with this issue.”
And there’s a good chance you
won’t believe some of what’s in
this book. It’s certainly funny in
places. When you start singing the
words to “Will You Please Wash
Your Hands,” a take off on a Beatles
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