Secon d (or Thir d) Time Arou nd,
the Wedding’s Differ ent
HILARY DANAILOVA | JE FEATURE
C ynthia Silber didn’t marry Eric Key back in the 1970s —
when they were college kids in love —because he wasn’t
Jewish and her father strongly objected.

So the Elkins Park couple has a good time imagining Silber’s
father’s reaction to their 2018 Jewish wedding, which came aft er
both were divorced from long marriages to other people — and
followed Key’s conversion to the faith (ironically, aft er a prior
marriage to a non-religious Jewish woman).

“We joke frequently about my father spinning in his grave,”
laughed Silber, a physician.

Th eir May nuptials near Rittenhouse Square epitomized the
particular joys of marriage later in life. Silber eschewed a gown
in favor of a white linen Nicole Miller cocktail dress; the couple
walked down the aisle to the Grateful Dead.

“At 60, I got married completely for myself,” Silber refl ected.

“My parents are gone. Th ere’s no thought of having more children.”
Th ere’s also no one way to remarry nowadays. In generations
past, a white dress was taboo for a second-time bride, and the
celebration was expected to be modest.

Now, “anything goes,” observed Lynda Barness, who owns
Philadelphia-based I DO wedding consulting and teaches in
Temple University’s wedding planning certifi cate program. From
social arrangements to guest lists to attire, Barness added, “there
really aren’t any rules.”
One element that does tend to distinguish later marriages: “It’s
more of a family focus,” Barness said. Brides and grooms oft en
come to the nuptials with children, even grandchildren. In place of
fraternity brothers or college girlfriends, wedding parties are now
more likely to feature daughters, nephews and cousins.

Such ceremonies honor the reality that relatives, rather than
friends, play a more prominent role in middle-aged lives. Silber’s
maid of honor was her 25-year-old daughter, a niece served as
bridesmaid and her 28-year-old son walked her down the aisle.

Th e latter is as close to a remarriage convention as anything,
with grown children standing in, literally, for fathers and mothers
who escorted the couple the fi rst time around.

“Th eir own parents might not be with them, so
they’re fl ipping it a bit,” said Susan Norcross, a vet-
eran wedding planner who owns Th e Styled Bride
in Philadelphia. She recently planned a third-time
wedding for roughly 60 people at a family home,
with an adult son walking the bride down the aisle.

“It brought everyone together in a location that had
nice memories for everyone,” Norcross said.

Family may be more prominent — but for many
second-time brides and grooms, the absence of
parental involvement feels liberating.

“It was a lot less stressful than the fi rst time,” admitted
Philadelphia attorney Sandy Mozes of his third marriage, in
2006, to Clare Kahn. Mozes recalled “a lot of tension between
the two sets of parents” for the earlier occasion, along with a
The Sibler-Keys, then and now
Photos courtesy of Silber-Key family
14 MARCH 21, 2019
guest list weighted heavily toward an older generation. “When you’re a
young bride and groom, you get a lot of parents’ friends and extended
family,” said Mozes, who is now 67.

For the couple’s more recent nuptials, “it was everyone we
knew and loved,” said Kahn, 64, a British-born biochemist. Only a
few dozen people were present for the ceremony, in the chapel at
Temple Beth Zion Beth Israel; aft erward, the couple walked across
Rittenhouse Square for a brunch with 130 friends.

“We didn’t want a big display,” explained Kahn, whose son
and daughter from her fi rst marriage gave her away. “Th is time
around, we felt like we shouldn’t make a fuss of ourselves so much
as have an enjoyable time.”
Th e late-in-life relationship felt comfortable, but traditional
bridal gowns proved a less comfortable fi t.

“I tried on various dresses and kept on saying, ‘Th is is too
wedding-y,’” Kahn recalled. She fi nally settled on a straight,
tea-length dress in off -white silk.

Sleeker silhouettes and simpler designs remain more common
for remarrying brides, said Ivy Solomon, who owns the Philadelphia
boutique Lovely Bride. With looser social mores, however, older brides
feel freer to opt for ballgowns, non-gowns or colors other than white.




“You should wear what makes you happy,” Solomon advised. “If
that’s the gown you never wore for your fi rst marriage? Wear it now.”
Second- or third-time brides are more likely to be able to aff ord the
dress of their dreams — and this time around, they’re freer to choose
between a fairytale gown, a chic suit or a vividly hued cocktail dress.

“Maybe their tastes haven’t changed,” Solomon pointed out.

“Or sometimes they’ll ask, ‘Should I not be in something
so white?’ Quite frankly, many people don’t look great
in white. Color is oft en a better option.”
Sunny Rosenstein, an Elkins Park Jewish educa-
tor, wore mauve to her third wedding — which,
like her fi rst two nuptials, was an Orthodox cere-
mony. Th e dress color wasn’t the only diff erence.

“When you’re 21, it really is about the wed-
ding,” said Rosenstein, 65, who made her own
white dress for her fi rst wedding in 1975. “When
you’re 40, it’s defi nitely about the marriage. Th e
wedding itself is so much less important.”
About 75 people attended Rosenstein’s 1994
wedding, which in Orthodox circles is considered
tiny, she said. “For comparison, our daughter’s wed-
ding was over 400 people just for the ceremony,”
said Rosenstein, a member of Mekor Habracha in
Center City, “and another 200 for the sheva brachot
(seven traditional blessings) later that week.”
Wedding planner Susan Norcross has noticed
smaller guest lists for second or third weddings.

“Th ey’re not necessarily looking to have 300
people, all their business colleagues; they’ve done
that already,” she said. “Th ey’ll still have a cocktail
hour and music, but not a 15-piece band. It’s some-
thing with a dinner party feel, where they can spend
JEWISHEXPONENT.COM more time with the people who’ve come to be with them.”
Degrees of pomp refl ect circumstances that vary more than
those of fi rst weddings — even if the liturgy, and ritual, remain
more or less the same.

“Th e stories are diff erent, and the couples oft en have a beau-
tifully refi ned knowledge of what marriage is and what they
are looking for,” refl ected Rabbi Eric Yanoff of Adath
Israel in Merion Station. He added that the joy of fi nd-
ing love aft er loss — whether owing to divorce or
widowhood — lends “incredible nuance and beau-
ty to that love, and how it is celebrated.”
Loss isn’t always a factor; sometimes, it’s the
same bride and groom under a new chuppah.

At Temple Beth Zion Beth Israel, Rabbi Abe
Friedman had several recent couples who wed
civilly, then wanted a second, Jewish ceremony
aft er one or both members had converted.

“As conversion has decoupled from mar-
riage,” Friedman said, “we’re seeing whole
families and couples coming through the con-
version process.” Th e ensuing Jewish weddings,
he noted, “are something we’re going to be
seeing more and more of.”
All of which casts a diff erent light on the
old-time fantasy of marrying once for life.

“People talk about, ‘Finally, you married
your bashert,’” said Cynthia Silber, who still
has Keys’ love letters from 1979. “But we had
very full lives with other people before. It’s just a
diff erent time.” ❤
SIMCHAS Hilary Danailova is a freelance writer.

MARCH 21, 2019
15