Unaffiliated Jews Get Creative for Bar and Bat Mitzvahs
T HILARY DANAILOVA | JE FEATURE
here was no question that the Danskys of Livingston, New Jer-
sey, were going to have their children Bar and Bat Mitzvahed.

There was also no question of joining a synagogue to do so.

“We’re not that religious,” explained Tracy Dansky, a mother of
three, but her husband, also Jewish, felt the rite of passage was
important. So they did what a lot of their neighbors were doing:
Hired a rabbi, had their daughters tutored in Hebrew, and booked
a private room for a joint ceremony at Lucky Strike, the Times
Square bowling alley and event venue.

A few years later, with her youngest, Max, approaching Bar
Mitzvah age, Dansky took it up a notch. She hired Ellen Pader-
son, a Bourne, Massachusetts, specialist in destination events, to
arrange a beachside Bar Mitzvah for Max at an all-inclusive resort
near Cancún, Mexico.

“It was a really great time,” said Dansky of the March 2018
event. Thirty-five friends and relatives joined for a five-day get-
away that included a golf outing, a sunset catamaran cruise and
Max’s ceremony, officiated by a retired American rabbi.

Despite all this, “it cost less than
doing a fancy party like people do
here” in New Jersey, Dansky noted.

“It was a more economical choice,
and it lasted longer.”
The Danskys are part of a growing
trend: B’nai Mitzvahs that take place
outside the traditional framework of
synagogue and Hebrew school. As
the number of unaffiliated American
Jews grows, more families are taking
a DIY approach to the milestone that
remains a touchstone of Jewish identity.

Rabbi Gidon Isaacs, the assistant
rabbi at Temple Emanuel of Cherry
Hill, New Jersey, calls the shift genera-
tional. More than their elders, younger
Americans “are not joiners,” observed
the rabbi, a former education director
who has devoted his career to making
religious school more engaging. “They
weren’t raised with membership,
Danny Gerber
generally speaking, as a value.”
The opt-out mitzvah can take
many forms. Most families hire a rabbi or cantor for private or
small-group tutoring, and to officiate. Six months to a year of
weekly sessions is typical — though some children study for years,
approximating the depth and breadth of Hebrew school. Venues
are the same as for weddings: golf clubs, banquet halls, destination
resorts and even private homes.

“People are getting more and more into doing it outside of a tem-
ple,” said Paderson, whose B’nai Mitzvah business has exploded in the
past 15 years. Like others who cater to DIY families, Paderson handles
everyone from nontraditional and interfaith families to special-needs
children who aren’t comfortable in Hebrew school to “Jewish-Jewish”
families like the Danskys, who just aren’t temple types.

All-inclusive Mexican resorts, cruises and Italy are the favored
destinations; Paderson works with a network of local officiants,
as well as a cantor who tutors via Skype and flies where needed.

The average family spends $3,000-5,000 on the event, with an
12 MARCH 21, 2019
additional $2,000-3,000 for the preparation and clergy.

That cost, even for a destination affair, is typically far less than
families would pay for years of synagogue dues and Hebrew school.

But money is hardly the prime motivator for most DIY families.

More commonly, it’s the collision of twice-a-week Hebrew or
Sunday school with soccer practice, swim meets, youth orchestra,
chess club and the myriad other obligations of today’s hypersched-
uled tween. Boredom with Hebrew school, and lack of connection to
synagogue or organized religion, are other commonly cited factors.

Missy Gerber, a stay-at-home mother of three boys in Morris-
town, New Jersey, sent her kids through temple preschool and several
years of Sunday school. “They hated it,” she said. “It was four hours
on a Sunday … They only have two days off from school, and one
of them, they’re back in the classroom. And it’s boring.”
Then there was the tug of sports and other extracurriculars
which, besides being fun, was where all their friends were. The
Gerber boys “kept missing things,” their mom recalled.

Yet once Danny, the oldest, hit middle school, “I thought:
I have to figure out what to do,
because I still want him to have a Bar
Mitzvah.” Gerber hired Cantor Scott
Borsky, a Cherry Hill officiant, to
tutor Danny weekly for a year before
his 2016 Bar Mitzvah at the Laurel
Creek Country Club; she did the
same for her middle son, Jack, who
had a backyard ceremony last year.

Many families, including the
Gerbers, appreciate the smaller
audience of a private event.

“If you have a normal synagogue
Bar Mitzvah, there are hundreds of
people in attendance, and that’s a lot
of eyes on you, especially if you’re not
super confident,” explained Missy
Gerber. Her sons’ affairs were fairly
typical of DIY mitzvahs, with around
35 guests.

“It was a great experience, having
all my family there,” said Danny,
Photo courtesy of Gerber family
who is turning 16. “And I felt I
learned a lot.”
Learning is perhaps the most contentious variable of a DIY
event; in the absence of a formal Hebrew school curriculum, it’s
up to the family and the officiant to decide what Jewish education
means. The private route is typically more abbreviated — but it’s
also more personalized, potentially resulting in a more enduring
personal connection to Judaism.

Many are troubled by a trend that chips away at the tradition-
al fabric of Jewish communal life, removing families from the
congregations where milestones have traditionally been celebrated.

But Rabbi Julie Greenberg, who has shepherded kids through
an alternative B’nai Mitzvah program for 25 years, noted that
today’s Jewish communities can simply look different.

“One goal I have is to help kids become part of a community,
not just individual Jews going through an experience,” said
Greenberg, the longtime rabbi at Congregation Leyv Ha-Ir—Heart of the
City in Philadelphia. “Americans are geared to find individual solutions.”
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Greenberg’s solution is to create a cohort of independent
learners. At any given time, five to 15 youngsters attend a Sunday
afternoon school at her Mt. Airy home that accommodates varying
interests and preferences. Hebrew is optional; a Bat Mitzvah could
as easily be a traditional Shabbat meal as a religious ceremony.

“A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a rite of passage that celebrates growing
up in a Jewish idiom,” Greenberg explained. Many of her families
aren’t interested in religious Judaism, “which is still the focus of
most synagogues,” she added. “But they want Jewish literature,
Jewish values, Jewish ideas, Jewish culture. My goal is they can
step into a Jewish experience anywhere and feel some familiarity.”
Borsky makes an individualized prayer book for each student,
incorporating chosen readings. He also guides each child through the
personal mitzvah project that’s become a Hebrew-school staple.

“It’s not just about learning the Shema, the Mi Chamocha,” he
emphasized. “It’s about becoming a son or daughter of the commandments.”
This year, Borsky will officiate at his 2,100th DIY mitzvah. He left
his temple job nearly a decade ago, following a crowd of oversched-
uled congregants out of the pews — and into the community, where
he leads informal Shabbat and holiday gatherings with his organi-
zation, Synagogue Without Walls. Flexibility is his calling card: The
cantor will tutor for an hour or half-hour, in person or over Skype,
in between baby namings and hospital visits (he is also a chaplain).

Missy Gerber, for one, is a satisfied customer.

“Cantor Scott really taught about the religion, which is what I
wanted,” she said. “It wasn’t just like, ‘Here, memorize this thing
that has no meaning to you.’” More than Hebrew school could
have, Gerber added, the DIY approach “really helped my sons get
in touch with their Judaism.” ❤
Hilary Danailova is a freelance writer.

Jack Gerber
Photo courtesy of Gerber family
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