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JEWISHEXPONENT.COM SIMCHAS MARCH 21, 2019 3 IN THIS ISSUE A Tale of Two Bark Mitzvahs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 Ketubah Artists Continue a Centuries-Old Craft . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Unaffi liated Jews Get Creative for Bar and Bat Mitzvahs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Making a Market in Dvar Torah Ghostwriting. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 A Gift Guide for Every Life-Cycle Occasion . . 18 Bar/Bat Mitzvahs Often Lead to Unexpected Experiences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Invitation and Invitation Card and r rd Shoppes Card Shoppes The Gift Shoppe • Weddings The Gift Shoppe • Weddings • Bar & Bat Mitzvah • All Occasion Gift Baskets • Bar & Bat • Mitzvah Birth Announcements • All Occasion Gift Gifts Baskets • Hostess • Birth Announcements • Parties Jewelry • Hostess • Gifts • Parties • Personalized Stationery • Party Essentials • Jewelry • Calligraphy • Personalized Stationery • Boutique Candy • Party Essentials • Calligraphy • Printing System • Boutique • Baby Candy Boutique on Premises • Printing System on Premises • Baby Boutique 352 Righters Mill Road, Gladwyne, PA 19035 352 Righters Mill Road, Gladwyne, PA 19035 Phone Phone 610-649-1100 610-649-4850 610-649-1100 610-649-4850 Fax www.gladwynepharmacy.com www.gladwynepharmacy.com 4 MARCH 21, 2019 SIMCHAS Fax So much to see... more to come... So much to see... more to come... Gladwy ne Corn er Café Open da ily with n ew expan ded menu JEWISHEXPONENT.COM GPOINTSTUDIO / ISTOCK / GETTY IMAGES PLUS Second (or Third) Time Around, the Wedding’s Different . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 HOT FOOT SHOES No Matt er What The Occasion 2100 ARCH STREET | PHILADELPHIA, PA 19103 MAIN PHONE NUMBER: 215-832-0700 From Formal PUBLISHER’S REPRESENTATIVE/ GENERAL MANAGER STEVEN ROSENBERG To Fun... EDITOR-IN-CHIEF LIZ SPIKOL MANAGING EDITOR ANDY GOTLIEB STAFF WRITERS JESSE BERNSTEIN SELAH MAYA ZIGHELBOIM PRODUCTION DIRECTORS JENI MANN JENNIFER PERKINS-FRANTZ ART DIRECTOR STEVE BURKE Justa Farm Shopping Center 1966 County Line Rd, Huntingdon Valley, PA 19006 In-Store Boutique 215-969-9626 HOT-FOOT-BOUTIQUE.SHOPTIQUES.COM *excludes prior purchases, lay-a-ways and other discounts. Certain merchandise excluded. GRAPHIC DESIGNER JUSTIN TICE DIRECTOR OF SALES SHARON SCHMUCKLER ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVES SUSAN BARON TAYLOR ORLIN SHARI SEITZ CLASSIFIED SALES NICOLE MCNALLY JESSICA COOK DIRECTOR OF BUSINESS OPERATIONS CHERYL LUTTS w www.declarationofinvitations.com m susan@declarationofinvitations.com FINANCE ASSISTANT MARIE MALVOSO JEWISHEXPONENT.COM SIMCHAS MARCH 21, 2019 5 A Tale of Two Bark Mitzvahs SELAH MAYA ZIGHELBOIM | JE STAFF Mindy Fingerman with Sade at the Bark Mitzvah photo booth Photos courtesy of Mindy Fingerman 6 MARCH 21, 2019 SIMCHAS JEWISHEXPONENT.COM their friends, many of whom aren’t Jewish. In reality, the Bark Mitzvah didn’t resemble much of a B’nai Mitzvah at all. Th ere was no service and no rabbi. It was really just a party. “My wife and I are pretty involved in the Jewish community here,” Matthew Fingerman said. “We wanted to do something fun and lighthearted and also that would just give back and also incorporate [Sade] in the middle of our Jewish community.” Th e couple had recently adopted the dog. (Th ey named her aft er the singer — pronounced Sha-day — whose music they danced to at their wedding.) Th e vet told them she was about 2 years old, which the couple fi gured put her right around Bark Mitzvah age in dog years. “We had a little bit of a creative license in all of that,” Matt Fingerman joked. For the celebration, the Fingermans sent out elegant invitations they had created through Vistaprint, and Matt Fingerman set up a Spotify playlist fi lled with B’nai Mitzvah favorites, including Israeli pop music and Fiddler on the Roof. Th ey also created a quiz where people could test how well they knew Sade, with questions about her fears (the dark), her favorite toy (a stuff ed turkey) and where she is from (Texas). Th en, at the end of it all, their guests could take home a party favor — a small bag fi lled with dog-themed cookies. Th eir guests loved it, Matt Fingerman said. “It’s hilarious,” he said. “We’re in a house fi lled with Judaica from my family and [Mindy’s] family, and they know how much we take Judaism seriously in our home and how important it is.” See Bark, Page 8 Photo Credit (Clockwise from the Left): Philip Gabriel Photography, Versano Photography, Maura B. McConnell Photography T Party favors he invitations were sent. Th e table was set at Sade’s Bark with “beagles” and lox. Th e cake, frosted Mitzvah Photos of Mindy with words that read “Muzzle Tov Sade,” courtesy Fingerman was ready for feasting. It was Sade’s Bark Mitzvah. Matthew and Mindy Fingerman, a young couple living in Queen Village, decided to throw a Bark Mitzvah for their dog, Sade, a 2-year-old terrier mix, in January. About 25 of their friends and family had gathered at their home for the simcha. Bark Mitzvahs aren’t a new concept. Th e fi rst recorded Bark Mitzvah took place in Beverly Hills, Calif., in 1958. More than 100 guests came to the Bark Mitzvah of a cocker spaniel named Windy, who belonged to a former mayor and his wife, according to JTA. Th e celebration has been duplicated numerous times over the past six decades. Bark Mitzvahs have drawn their share of criticism, but for those that who organized the celebrations, it’s a fun party that brings friends and family together. “When it started for us, it was just going to be a get-together under disguise,” Matthew Fingerman said. “We had so much fun creating activities for the kids and incorporating diff erent foods and diff erent puns that it was just a really fun way to cele- brate purely tradition with friends and family and incorporating nontraditional family members in that.” For the Fingermans, the Bark Mitzvah was a way to celebrate their housewarming, welcome their new dog into their family and raise money for MatchDog Rescue, the shelter from which they had adopt- ed Sade. It was also a way to share their pride in some staples of Jewish culture — things like bagels and lox and Fiddler on the Roof — with Exquisite Ballrooms First-Class Onsite Amenities Indoor and Outdoor Ceremony Sites Award-Winning Culinary and Event Staff 400 W. S PR O UL R D . , S PR I N GF I E L D , PA 19064 | JEWISHEXPONENT.COM SIMCHAS 610.690.7600 | SPRINGFIELDCC.NET | MARCH 21, 2019 7 RDM Designer Outlet & Design Studio Sam Horowitz with Lizzie Photo courtesy of Judy Horowitz Designer clothing without designer prices www.rdmdesignspa.com Bark 413 W. Ridge Pike, Suite 2 • Conshohocken, PA • 610-834-0367 • By Appointment Fashions for Spring! Fun, Fresh, Fabulous! Welcome to Chickie’s Daughter … Th e Premiere Contemporary Clothing Boutique! For 3 generations, we have provided the latest and greatest in the fashion world, from contemporary clothing, to the best shoes and accessories! B y I nvit a tion O nly 901 N. Bethlehem Pike Springhouse, PA 19002 Mon-Sat 10:00 AM–5:30 PM 215-628-2277 Personal service & extraordinary invitations Follow us on Instagram @chickiesdaughter2 at discounted prices By Invitation Only 30% Discount Computerized Calligraphy Personal service & extraordinary invitations Incredible Selection at discounted prices 30% Convenient Discount Appointments Computerized Calligraphy Incredible Selection Convenient Appointments M eliss a B e r k 2 1 Melissa 5 215.654.1601 .654. Berk 1 60 1 Melissa@Byinvitationonly.us Melissa@Byinvitationonly.us WHAT’S GOING ON in Jewish Philadelphia? Submit an event or browse our online calendar to find out what’s happening at local synagogues, community organizations and venues! Submit: listings@jewishexponent.com Online: jewishexponent.com/events/ Continued from Page 7 Several years before, Judy Horowitz held a Bark Mitzvah celebration for her grandson’s cavachon, Lizzie. It was her grandson’s idea, Horowitz said. Th e grandson, Sam Horowitz, lives in North Carolina with his parents and attends Jordan Lake School of the Arts, a school geared for students with special needs. Aft er having his own Bar Mitzvah in May of 2015 at Main Line Reform Temple — where Horowitz is a member — he wanted to have one for Lizzie, too. Sam Horowitz is on the autism spectrum, and attended Sunday school for years through Matan, which helps Jewish communities make accommodations for children with special needs. “It was very meaningful for him, that he went through all of that and became a Bar Mitzvah and became a man,” said Dan Horowitz, Sam’s father. “Th e way he was thinking about it was that we had had Lizzie as a puppy for a while and felt very strongly that she was a Jewish dog and that she should have a Bark Mitzvah.” Sam wanted all the family — and the family pets — to attend. Th e family had never heard of a Bark Mitzvah before. Th ey thought it was a concept Sam had invented. “He wanted Lizzie to have the same kind of experience that he had,” Dan Horowitz said. “Religion can sometimes be an abstract concept for a typical kid, but for someone on the autism spectrum, it’s a lot to work through. Going to Sunday school for all those years helped him, but he was exploring, ‘If I’m Jewish, who else is Jewish?’” A year aft er Sam Horowitz’s Bar Mitzvah, around Th anksgiving of 2016, the family gathered at Dan Horowitz’s aunt’s house, where her dogs could attend as well. Lizzie wore a kippah and an Eagles scarf instead of a tallit around her shoulders, Sam led a few blessings, and Judy Horowitz shared a few words and created a program for the Bark Mitzvah. “Lizzie, may you be blessed in the name of God who created you and may you and Sam and Teresa enjoy your wonderful life together,” the program read. “Take care of each other. Amen.” It was a happy familiar aff air, Judy Horowitz said, a chance for the relatives to come together. Most importantly, she said, Sam was happy with how it turned out. Back in North Carolina, he even put on another Bark Mitzvah for someone else’s dog. “It was meaningful for my son,” Dan Horowitz said. “Th at’s why everybody was excited about it.” “I don’t think it was super meaningful to the dog,” he added. ❤ szighelboim@jewishexponent.com; 215-832-0729 8 MARCH 21, 2019 SIMCHAS JEWISHEXPONENT.COM a Centuries-Old Craft T JESSE BERNSTEIN | JE STAFF he ketubah, the marriage contract for Jewish weddings outlining the responsibilities of the groom to the bride, has long been an outlet for artists who sought to do something special with a simple legal document. In its collection from the famed Cairo Geniza, the University of Cambridge Digital Library holds numerous centuries-old ketubot drawn up with an eye toward beauty and display. Th ough handmade ketubot are becoming increasingly rare as the digital technology is more widespread, there are still ketubah artists who shep- herd soon-to-be-married couples from visual concept to putting pen to parchment on their wedding days. Below, weveral local art- ists speak about their work, why they make ketubot and more. ‘Wow, I Could Do That!’ Betsy Teutsch has been at this for so long, she now fi nds herself creating ketubot for the children of marriages she once served. For Teutsch, a Fargo, North Dakota, na- tive who moved to Philadelphia when her husband joined the facul- ty of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College, working on ketubot is part of her greater interest in Jewish art — her work has been featured in Reconstructionist prayer books, among other venues. Teutsch married her husband during her se- nior year at Brandeis, and though she had no formal artistic training, she’d always been drawn to calligraphy. At the time, there was renewed interest in ethnically focused art, and she felt that there was more exploration to be done for Jews. When it came time to pick a ketubah for her own wedding, she took matters into her own hands. “I thought, ‘Wow, I could do that!’” she said. Friends and family remarked on the beauty of her fi nished product and, with that, her career as a ketubah artist was launched. For decades, she’s created original ketubot, alongside fi ll- in-the-blank templates. She estimates that she’s made thousands of originals, and can’t even make a guess at how many templates have sold over the years — they’ve been in Judaica stores, online and bricks-and-mortar, all over the country. She used to work with families on announcements, invitations and diplomas, among other milestone documents, but that business was wiped out by new digital capabilities, something she was never interested in pursuing. “I really came into this fi eld through the love of calligraphy and Hebrew letters and the beauty of hand-done letters,” she said. Th ough she no longer works on ketubot full-time — she’s now a writer, with a second book forthcoming — she’s still approached from time to time by old clients, thanking her for her work. She was recently thanked by a woman who told her that the ketubah Teutsch made years before, now kept in her bedroom, helped to “frame gratitude for my day. ” “Th at was remarkable,” Teutsch said. “How oft en do you fi nd out that you are really part of somebody’s dai- ly rituals?” ‘Tradition Meets Contemporary’ Nava Shoham, an artist based in Montclair, New Jersey, came to ketubah- making in a diff erent way. Aft er moving to America from Israel in 1993, the artist had her eyes opened to the wide variety of Jewish denominations in this country, something she was unaware of before the move. She had made a few ketubot for her family back in Israel, but found a huge new customer base, with diff erent tastes to adapt to. If the endless scroll of happy couples with her ketubot on hand on her website, 1800ketubah.com, is to be trusted, she cracked that nut a long time ago. Betsy Teutsch, Ketubah Photo courtesy of Betsy Teutsch JEWISHEXPONENT.COM SIMCHAS See Ketubah, Page 10 MARCH 21, 2019 9 Ketubah ISRAEL ISRAEL ISRAEL ISRAEL BAR-BAT MITZVAH BAR-BAT MITZVAH BAR-BAT MITZVAH BAR-BAT MITZVAH FAMILY TOURS TOURS FAMILY FAMILY TOURS FAMILY TOURS Groups - Attention Personal Attention Groups Small Personal Attention Small Small Groups - - Personal Continued from Page 9 ISRAEL Fine Hotels - Unique Itineraries Hotels - - Unique Itineraries Small Groups Personal Attention Itineraries Fine Fine Hotels - Unique Fine Hotels - Unique Itineraries BAR-BAT MITZVAH TOVA GILEAD, INC. Program GILEAD, INC. 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Beautiful weddings and receptions at Tiferet Bet Israel Chapel, Sanctuary, Rabbi’s Study Multiple Event Rooms Complete Catering Facilities 1920 Skippack Pike Blue Bell, PA 19422 610-275-8797 www.tbibluebell.org 10 MARCH 21, 2019 Rachel Marks, Ketubah Photo courtesy of Rachel Marks “It brings me joy, it really brings me joy,” she said. Shoham, who has spent time in the fashion world and in graphic design, makes both originals and templates, wildly color- ful across each and every one she produces. Her work is “tradition meets contemporary,” in her words, and over the years she’s kept her designs fresh by experimenting as much as she can. Like Teutsch, she takes great pride in the relationships she de- velops with the couples she works for. Th e ketubah, she says, is “an heirloom, it’s something that they cherish for many years.” At this point in her career, she’s some- times contracted to make baby-naming designs for couples she met before they were married. “I’m part of people’s lives, part of people’s celebrations,” she said. Tallulah Ketubah Rachel Marks, a Philadelphia-area native now based in Mt. Airy, was fi nding it terribly diffi cult to pick a ketubah when she and her husband were married in 2009. “I could really fi nd anything at the time that I really liked,” she recalled. So what’s an art school graduate to do? She made her own ketu- bah, and then continued to the same for others. Marks has made a career of making her own meaning, in a way. Describing she and her husband as “lapsed” Conservative Jews, she said that one of the main drivers behind her desire to make her own ketubah was to fi nd something specifi cally meaningful to them; now, she does the same for the couples that she works with. Th e name of her store, Tallulah Ketubah, is a reference to both the Irish name “Tallulah” and the Native American word pro- nounced in the same way, meaning “leaping water.” Th e name, Marks said, signals that her store is not just for traditionally SIMCHAS JEWISHEXPONENT.COM religious Jews, but for same-gender and intermarried couples as well. She enjoys the artistic challenge of joining diff erent languages and cultural traditions. Aft er moving back to Philadelphia from Baltimore in 2013, Marks had her fi rst daughter, and decided that while she was home, she’d begin to create ketubot, both individualized for couples and as templates. “It’s been great,” she said. “I feel like it has enabled me to continue painting, to actually be a paid working artist, which is every artist’s goal. And the custom work especially is very collaborative, and so I get to know the couples that I’m working with.” And like Shoham and Teutsch, she’s beginning to see the ensuing life-cycle events that come aft er marriage for the couples she’s worked with, and she treasures her role in that. “It’s so nice to see that I had some small part in the beginning of their married life together,” she said. ❤ jbernstein@jewishexponent.com; 215-832-0740 Nava Shoham, Ketubah Photo courtesy of Nava Shoham 2019 Simchas Goldstein's Men's & Boys' Apparel We're here to celebrate all your Simchas A Special Supplement to the Jewish Exponent PRESENTING A FRESH APPROACH to Jewish celebrations in a sleek, glossy magazine format! — BONUS — SIMCHAS IS ALSO PUBLISHED ONLINE WITH COMPLETE ADVERTISER LINKS. SIMCHAS PUBLISHES OCTOBER 24 (Ad deadline Oct. 4) TO ADVERTISE, contact your sales representative or call 215-832-0753. Photo by Michael Kors Photo by Andrew Marc Family owned and operated for 116 years Since 1902 Visit us at: Now carrying shoes Major Credit Cards JEWISHEXPONENT.COM Photo by Tallia Orange 2537 S Broad Street Philadelphia, PA 19148 215-468-0564 M, T, Th, F, Sa 10-5:30; W 10-7:30 • ALTERATIONS AVAILABLE www.goldsteinsclothing.com SIMCHAS MARCH 21, 2019 11 Unaffiliated Jews Get Creative for Bar and Bat Mitzvahs T HILARY DANAILOVA | JE FEATURE here was no question that the Danskys of Livingston, New Jer- sey, were going to have their children Bar and Bat Mitzvahed. There was also no question of joining a synagogue to do so. “We’re not that religious,” explained Tracy Dansky, a mother of three, but her husband, also Jewish, felt the rite of passage was important. So they did what a lot of their neighbors were doing: Hired a rabbi, had their daughters tutored in Hebrew, and booked a private room for a joint ceremony at Lucky Strike, the Times Square bowling alley and event venue. A few years later, with her youngest, Max, approaching Bar Mitzvah age, Dansky took it up a notch. She hired Ellen Pader- son, a Bourne, Massachusetts, specialist in destination events, to arrange a beachside Bar Mitzvah for Max at an all-inclusive resort near Cancún, Mexico. “It was a really great time,” said Dansky of the March 2018 event. Thirty-five friends and relatives joined for a five-day get- away that included a golf outing, a sunset catamaran cruise and Max’s ceremony, officiated by a retired American rabbi. Despite all this, “it cost less than doing a fancy party like people do here” in New Jersey, Dansky noted. “It was a more economical choice, and it lasted longer.” The Danskys are part of a growing trend: B’nai Mitzvahs that take place outside the traditional framework of synagogue and Hebrew school. As the number of unaffiliated American Jews grows, more families are taking a DIY approach to the milestone that remains a touchstone of Jewish identity. Rabbi Gidon Isaacs, the assistant rabbi at Temple Emanuel of Cherry Hill, New Jersey, calls the shift genera- tional. More than their elders, younger Americans “are not joiners,” observed the rabbi, a former education director who has devoted his career to making religious school more engaging. “They weren’t raised with membership, Danny Gerber generally speaking, as a value.” The opt-out mitzvah can take many forms. Most families hire a rabbi or cantor for private or small-group tutoring, and to officiate. Six months to a year of weekly sessions is typical — though some children study for years, approximating the depth and breadth of Hebrew school. Venues are the same as for weddings: golf clubs, banquet halls, destination resorts and even private homes. “People are getting more and more into doing it outside of a tem- ple,” said Paderson, whose B’nai Mitzvah business has exploded in the past 15 years. Like others who cater to DIY families, Paderson handles everyone from nontraditional and interfaith families to special-needs children who aren’t comfortable in Hebrew school to “Jewish-Jewish” families like the Danskys, who just aren’t temple types. All-inclusive Mexican resorts, cruises and Italy are the favored destinations; Paderson works with a network of local officiants, as well as a cantor who tutors via Skype and flies where needed. The average family spends $3,000-5,000 on the event, with an 12 MARCH 21, 2019 additional $2,000-3,000 for the preparation and clergy. That cost, even for a destination affair, is typically far less than families would pay for years of synagogue dues and Hebrew school. But money is hardly the prime motivator for most DIY families. More commonly, it’s the collision of twice-a-week Hebrew or Sunday school with soccer practice, swim meets, youth orchestra, chess club and the myriad other obligations of today’s hypersched- uled tween. Boredom with Hebrew school, and lack of connection to synagogue or organized religion, are other commonly cited factors. Missy Gerber, a stay-at-home mother of three boys in Morris- town, New Jersey, sent her kids through temple preschool and several years of Sunday school. “They hated it,” she said. “It was four hours on a Sunday … They only have two days off from school, and one of them, they’re back in the classroom. And it’s boring.” Then there was the tug of sports and other extracurriculars which, besides being fun, was where all their friends were. The Gerber boys “kept missing things,” their mom recalled. Yet once Danny, the oldest, hit middle school, “I thought: I have to figure out what to do, because I still want him to have a Bar Mitzvah.” Gerber hired Cantor Scott Borsky, a Cherry Hill officiant, to tutor Danny weekly for a year before his 2016 Bar Mitzvah at the Laurel Creek Country Club; she did the same for her middle son, Jack, who had a backyard ceremony last year. Many families, including the Gerbers, appreciate the smaller audience of a private event. “If you have a normal synagogue Bar Mitzvah, there are hundreds of people in attendance, and that’s a lot of eyes on you, especially if you’re not super confident,” explained Missy Gerber. Her sons’ affairs were fairly typical of DIY mitzvahs, with around 35 guests. “It was a great experience, having all my family there,” said Danny, Photo courtesy of Gerber family who is turning 16. “And I felt I learned a lot.” Learning is perhaps the most contentious variable of a DIY event; in the absence of a formal Hebrew school curriculum, it’s up to the family and the officiant to decide what Jewish education means. The private route is typically more abbreviated — but it’s also more personalized, potentially resulting in a more enduring personal connection to Judaism. Many are troubled by a trend that chips away at the tradition- al fabric of Jewish communal life, removing families from the congregations where milestones have traditionally been celebrated. But Rabbi Julie Greenberg, who has shepherded kids through an alternative B’nai Mitzvah program for 25 years, noted that today’s Jewish communities can simply look different. “One goal I have is to help kids become part of a community, not just individual Jews going through an experience,” said Greenberg, the longtime rabbi at Congregation Leyv Ha-Ir—Heart of the City in Philadelphia. “Americans are geared to find individual solutions.” SIMCHAS JEWISHEXPONENT.COM Greenberg’s solution is to create a cohort of independent learners. At any given time, five to 15 youngsters attend a Sunday afternoon school at her Mt. Airy home that accommodates varying interests and preferences. Hebrew is optional; a Bat Mitzvah could as easily be a traditional Shabbat meal as a religious ceremony. “A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a rite of passage that celebrates growing up in a Jewish idiom,” Greenberg explained. Many of her families aren’t interested in religious Judaism, “which is still the focus of most synagogues,” she added. “But they want Jewish literature, Jewish values, Jewish ideas, Jewish culture. My goal is they can step into a Jewish experience anywhere and feel some familiarity.” Borsky makes an individualized prayer book for each student, incorporating chosen readings. He also guides each child through the personal mitzvah project that’s become a Hebrew-school staple. “It’s not just about learning the Shema, the Mi Chamocha,” he emphasized. “It’s about becoming a son or daughter of the commandments.” This year, Borsky will officiate at his 2,100th DIY mitzvah. He left his temple job nearly a decade ago, following a crowd of oversched- uled congregants out of the pews — and into the community, where he leads informal Shabbat and holiday gatherings with his organi- zation, Synagogue Without Walls. Flexibility is his calling card: The cantor will tutor for an hour or half-hour, in person or over Skype, in between baby namings and hospital visits (he is also a chaplain). Missy Gerber, for one, is a satisfied customer. “Cantor Scott really taught about the religion, which is what I wanted,” she said. “It wasn’t just like, ‘Here, memorize this thing that has no meaning to you.’” More than Hebrew school could have, Gerber added, the DIY approach “really helped my sons get in touch with their Judaism.” ❤ Hilary Danailova is a freelance writer. Jack Gerber Photo courtesy of Gerber family CELEBRATE WITH ISRAEL BONDS A Gift With Meaning israelbonds.com INVEST IN ISRAEL BONDS Development Corporation for Israel Harold F. Marcus, Executive Director Sharon Richman & Ari Sirner, Registered Representatives 1511 Walnut St., Suite 301 • Philadelphia, PA 19102 philadelphia@israelbonds.com • 215.545.8380 • 800.752.5671 JEWISHEXPONENT.COM This is not an offering, which can be made only by prospectus. Read the prospectus carefully before investing to fully evaluate the risks associated with investing in Israel bonds. Member FINRA Photos: Three Star Photographers, Shayna Levy, Istock SIMCHAS 0 th Anniversary AN INVESTMENT IN 70 YEARS OF EXTRAORDINARY ACHIEVEMENT MARCH 21, 2019 13 Secon d (or Thir d) Time Arou nd, the Wedding’s Differ ent HILARY DANAILOVA | JE FEATURE C ynthia Silber didn’t marry Eric Key back in the 1970s — when they were college kids in love —because he wasn’t Jewish and her father strongly objected. So the Elkins Park couple has a good time imagining Silber’s father’s reaction to their 2018 Jewish wedding, which came aft er both were divorced from long marriages to other people — and followed Key’s conversion to the faith (ironically, aft er a prior marriage to a non-religious Jewish woman). “We joke frequently about my father spinning in his grave,” laughed Silber, a physician. Th eir May nuptials near Rittenhouse Square epitomized the particular joys of marriage later in life. Silber eschewed a gown in favor of a white linen Nicole Miller cocktail dress; the couple walked down the aisle to the Grateful Dead. “At 60, I got married completely for myself,” Silber refl ected. “My parents are gone. Th ere’s no thought of having more children.” Th ere’s also no one way to remarry nowadays. In generations past, a white dress was taboo for a second-time bride, and the celebration was expected to be modest. Now, “anything goes,” observed Lynda Barness, who owns Philadelphia-based I DO wedding consulting and teaches in Temple University’s wedding planning certifi cate program. From social arrangements to guest lists to attire, Barness added, “there really aren’t any rules.” One element that does tend to distinguish later marriages: “It’s more of a family focus,” Barness said. Brides and grooms oft en come to the nuptials with children, even grandchildren. In place of fraternity brothers or college girlfriends, wedding parties are now more likely to feature daughters, nephews and cousins. Such ceremonies honor the reality that relatives, rather than friends, play a more prominent role in middle-aged lives. Silber’s maid of honor was her 25-year-old daughter, a niece served as bridesmaid and her 28-year-old son walked her down the aisle. Th e latter is as close to a remarriage convention as anything, with grown children standing in, literally, for fathers and mothers who escorted the couple the fi rst time around. “Th eir own parents might not be with them, so they’re fl ipping it a bit,” said Susan Norcross, a vet- eran wedding planner who owns Th e Styled Bride in Philadelphia. She recently planned a third-time wedding for roughly 60 people at a family home, with an adult son walking the bride down the aisle. “It brought everyone together in a location that had nice memories for everyone,” Norcross said. Family may be more prominent — but for many second-time brides and grooms, the absence of parental involvement feels liberating. “It was a lot less stressful than the fi rst time,” admitted Philadelphia attorney Sandy Mozes of his third marriage, in 2006, to Clare Kahn. Mozes recalled “a lot of tension between the two sets of parents” for the earlier occasion, along with a The Sibler-Keys, then and now Photos courtesy of Silber-Key family 14 MARCH 21, 2019 guest list weighted heavily toward an older generation. “When you’re a young bride and groom, you get a lot of parents’ friends and extended family,” said Mozes, who is now 67. For the couple’s more recent nuptials, “it was everyone we knew and loved,” said Kahn, 64, a British-born biochemist. Only a few dozen people were present for the ceremony, in the chapel at Temple Beth Zion Beth Israel; aft erward, the couple walked across Rittenhouse Square for a brunch with 130 friends. “We didn’t want a big display,” explained Kahn, whose son and daughter from her fi rst marriage gave her away. “Th is time around, we felt like we shouldn’t make a fuss of ourselves so much as have an enjoyable time.” Th e late-in-life relationship felt comfortable, but traditional bridal gowns proved a less comfortable fi t. “I tried on various dresses and kept on saying, ‘Th is is too wedding-y,’” Kahn recalled. She fi nally settled on a straight, tea-length dress in off -white silk. Sleeker silhouettes and simpler designs remain more common for remarrying brides, said Ivy Solomon, who owns the Philadelphia boutique Lovely Bride. With looser social mores, however, older brides feel freer to opt for ballgowns, non-gowns or colors other than white. “You should wear what makes you happy,” Solomon advised. “If that’s the gown you never wore for your fi rst marriage? Wear it now.” Second- or third-time brides are more likely to be able to aff ord the dress of their dreams — and this time around, they’re freer to choose between a fairytale gown, a chic suit or a vividly hued cocktail dress. “Maybe their tastes haven’t changed,” Solomon pointed out. “Or sometimes they’ll ask, ‘Should I not be in something so white?’ Quite frankly, many people don’t look great in white. Color is oft en a better option.” Sunny Rosenstein, an Elkins Park Jewish educa- tor, wore mauve to her third wedding — which, like her fi rst two nuptials, was an Orthodox cere- mony. Th e dress color wasn’t the only diff erence. “When you’re 21, it really is about the wed- ding,” said Rosenstein, 65, who made her own white dress for her fi rst wedding in 1975. “When you’re 40, it’s defi nitely about the marriage. Th e wedding itself is so much less important.” About 75 people attended Rosenstein’s 1994 wedding, which in Orthodox circles is considered tiny, she said. “For comparison, our daughter’s wed- ding was over 400 people just for the ceremony,” said Rosenstein, a member of Mekor Habracha in Center City, “and another 200 for the sheva brachot (seven traditional blessings) later that week.” Wedding planner Susan Norcross has noticed smaller guest lists for second or third weddings. “Th ey’re not necessarily looking to have 300 people, all their business colleagues; they’ve done that already,” she said. “Th ey’ll still have a cocktail hour and music, but not a 15-piece band. It’s some- thing with a dinner party feel, where they can spend JEWISHEXPONENT.COM more time with the people who’ve come to be with them.” Degrees of pomp refl ect circumstances that vary more than those of fi rst weddings — even if the liturgy, and ritual, remain more or less the same. “Th e stories are diff erent, and the couples oft en have a beau- tifully refi ned knowledge of what marriage is and what they are looking for,” refl ected Rabbi Eric Yanoff of Adath Israel in Merion Station. He added that the joy of fi nd- ing love aft er loss — whether owing to divorce or widowhood — lends “incredible nuance and beau- ty to that love, and how it is celebrated.” Loss isn’t always a factor; sometimes, it’s the same bride and groom under a new chuppah. At Temple Beth Zion Beth Israel, Rabbi Abe Friedman had several recent couples who wed civilly, then wanted a second, Jewish ceremony aft er one or both members had converted. “As conversion has decoupled from mar- riage,” Friedman said, “we’re seeing whole families and couples coming through the con- version process.” Th e ensuing Jewish weddings, he noted, “are something we’re going to be seeing more and more of.” All of which casts a diff erent light on the old-time fantasy of marrying once for life. “People talk about, ‘Finally, you married your bashert,’” said Cynthia Silber, who still has Keys’ love letters from 1979. “But we had very full lives with other people before. It’s just a diff erent time.” ❤ SIMCHAS Hilary Danailova is a freelance writer. MARCH 21, 2019 15 Making a Market in Dvar Torah Ghostwriting JESSE BERNSTEIN | JE STAFF T he fi rst paid writing job I ever held was as a Bar Mitzvah speech ghostwriter. Th is was a few years aft er my own Bar Mitzvah — although, thinking back now, my own dvar Torah was nothing particularly special. What I remember about it more than anything was arguing back and forth with my father about how many jokes was too many. I certainly can’t recall the delivery all that clearly, what with the speed and adrenaline of that day. I didn’t even remember to wear a belt to the synagogue. But I was an English major in the making, and I was already writing quite a bit. I edited a mag- azine at my school, and I was starting to write fi ction on my own in earnest (emphasis on earnest). Most relevant to this particular job was when my classmates would ask me to punch up their student government stump speeches, which was terrifi cally fun. I’d acted quite a bit in student productions by then, and I’d written silly sketches for class assignments, but to actually see people using my words in a persuasive manner — and getting laughs for them! — was a singular experience. I can’t recall exactly how my fi rst dvar Torah ghostwriting job came to be. It may have been that my mother, unbeknownst to me, off ered my services to a friend concerned over her progeny’s in- ability to produce a speech on his own. It’s also possible that the friend mentioned her son’s diffi cult experience, and I oh-so-graciously suggested that my services could be had. You do — well, I did — quite a lot of talking and not a lot of thinking at that age. DANIELSBFOTO / ISTOCK / GETTY IMAGES PLUS If I had known that it would be my high-water mark for remuneration in my fi eld of choice, I may have chosen a diff erent path, but it seemed then to herald unending spoils. 16 MARCH 21, 2019 SIMCHAS JEWISHEXPONENT.COM Either way, I was off ered $36 per hour to produce a dvar Torah with the family friend’s son. Perhaps if I had known that would be my high-water mark for remuneration in my fi eld of choice, I may have chosen a diff erent path, but it seemed then to herald unending spoils just over the horizon. I accepted conditionally: Th e arrangement would be secret and I would be invited to the service (though not to the party). As I recall, we had three sessions, totaling about four hours. His mother drank coff ee in the other room while we talked through his parshah, which I had read and reread, collecting commen- taries and pulling the best bits from to rip off (sorry, Rashi). I would try, to the best of my abilities, to draw thoughts out of my “client” as I typed, guiding him in this direction or that. It was slow work. I don’t think we wrote more than a paragraph during the fi rst session. My confi dence took a hit that day. At Jack M. Barrack Hebrew Academy, I was not even a particularly gift ed Tanach student. I remember thinking, ‘What am I doing taking someone else’s money to make pronouncements on the Torah?’ But as the second session approached, something clicked. I reread, for the umpteenth time, the same few verses we were tasked with wringing meaning from. Th is future Bar Mitzvah, as I recall, had one of the juicy parshot, one with a real story, some drama, and even a cliffh anger (a result of the storytelling arc of the triennial reading cycle). My own parshah was probably, pound for pound, one of the most boring in recorded liturgical history; truly, I defy you to come up with something relevant and exciting to say regarding the lengths of wood required for building the Mishkan. But reading over the verses, for the fi rst time in my life, I made the most obvious connection for a budding writer: Why don’t I just read this as fi ction? Not as false, but as I would read a work of JEsimchas3-2018.qxp_Layout 1 2/27/19 2:01 PM Page 1 fi ction, attending to the text with the same sort of lens. It was so gobsmackingly obvious as to embarrass me a little bit. Our second session went much better than the fi rst. It turned out that he had done a little more reading, too, and so we went into the text together, two more or less secular Jews doing primitive Torah study together. We wrote quite a bit more, and spent most of our fi nal two sessions polishing what we’d written. Unfortunately, this story does not do either of the fun things it could have. I didn’t start a dvar Torah ghostwriting empire, becoming the secret weapon of frustrated soon-to-be Jewish adults all over the Greater Philadelphia area. Nor was my mind enfl amed by the possibility of Torah study as a signifi cant part of my life, eventually leading to a heartwarming friendship with my Daf Yomi partner. I was paid, I was recommended to one more family friend, for which I was also paid, and I never did it again. When I think back to those sessions, I try to fi gure out what I gained, beyond a great sum of money and a funny story. Certainly, there was value in trying to teach someone something, especially someone just a few years younger than I and something about which my knowledge was limited. And that it served as writing practice is also footnote-worthy — I did my very best to work within the accepted Bar Mitzvah dvar template (Shabbat Shalom, “Th is week’s parsha is,” synopsis, short discussion of themes, relation to Bar Mitzvah project, con- clusion, thank yous) without being lashed to it. I suppose I also learned what working parents could and couldn’t fi nd the time for. I suppose I’ll really fi nd out what I learned when I sit down to do this with my own family one day. ❤ jbernstein@jewishexponent.com; 215-832-0740 the ultimate selection of Mother-of and Mitzvah Dresses! 10,000+ Dresses in stock in sizes 0-28 Trunk Shows Every Weekend! see them all @ JansBoutique.com Joseph Ribkoff Trunk Show April 5-6, save up to 20% at the Show! Walk-ins welcome Appointments receive a $75 credit* by law your local PA dress retailer must charge you up to 8% sales tax on your Dress and Alterations! Pay nothing extra for your dress at Jan’s! Save up to $500 on your Dress & Alteratioins at Jan’s! *with purchase appointments receive a $75 credit, see appointment page for credit details JEWISHEXPONENT.COM SIMCHAS MARCH 21, 2019 17 A Gift Guide for Every Life-Cycle Occasion T SELAH MAYA ZIGHELBOIM | JE STAFF here’s no shortage of B’nai Mitzvah gift guides out there in the world, but the average Jewish person will go through a whole spectrum of life-cycle events beyond the coming- of-age ceremony. So you may one day find yourself wondering, “What kind of gift are you supposed to give for an upsherin?” Here, the Jewish Exponent presents your one-stop shop for gifts for every life-cycle event (or at least, for a bunch of them). BRIT/SIMCHAT BAT “Laila Tov” Elephant Blanket Amazon $22 A typical baby gift will work well for either a Brit — short for Brit Milah, an 8-day-old baby boy’s ritual circumcision — or a Simchat Bat — a baby-naming cere- mony held for a girl. This example is a baby blanket and a stuffed animal in one, plus it includes the Hebrew phrase, “Laila tov,” — “Good night.” Diaper Cake Bed Bath & Beyond Starts at $39.99 Newborns go through an average of 10 diapers a day, so there’s never too few diapers when it comes to an 8-day-old infant. Looking past the rather unappe- tizing name, a diaper cake is basically just a nicely packaged gift of diapers. At Bed Bath & Beyond, they also come in different designs — rose blossom, teal tribal and panda pattern. UPSHERIN Aleph Bet Look & See Puzzle Amazon $22.99 An upsherin is a ceremony in which a 3-year-old boy gets his first hair- cut. It also marks the time when a boy starts wearing a kippah and tzitzit. Any gift for a 3-year-old is an appropriate upsherin gift, which makes this aleph bet look-and-see puzzle B A R & B AT M I T Z VA H S NOW BOOKING THROUGH 2022! Lafayette Hill Photography CONTACT US TODAY 856.429.4300 x198 EVENTS@WOODCRESTCOUNTRYCLUB.COM Gina Vecchione Photography 18 MARCH 21, 2019 SIMCHAS JEWISHEXPONENT.COM perfect. It’s a hands-on activity for a toddler with a Jewish twist. PJ Library Subscription PJ Library Free An upsherin also celebrates a new stage in a toddler’s education, in addition to his first haircut. What better way to acknowledge this than by giving a subscription to PJ Library? PJ Library sends age-appropriate Jewish children’s books to families every month. B’NAI MITZVAH Fair Trade Wooden Tzedakah Box The Aesthetic Sense $45 If you’re looking for a gift that is both meaningful and unique, this tzedakah box should fit the bill. The box was hand-carved by fair-trade artisans in India from mango wood. On top of being aesthetically beau- tiful, it is a utilitarian gift that can start a young Jewish teenager on a path of good values. Pewter Tree of Life Tallis Clips ModernTribe $36 In many communities, a B’nai Mitzvah receives a tallis for their big day. That tallis will probably be a gift from the B’nai Mitzvah’s family, but you can complement it with this per- sonal accessory. Tallis clips make a nice gift before the actual service, but can also be given afterward. BEST Outdoor Patio in Montgomery County! Wood-fi re pizza • Steakhouse • Seafood American cuisine • Casual upscale dining Private rooms available for special events 602 Skippack Pike Blue Bell, PA 215-641-9000 panachewoodfi regrill.com GRADUATION Homesick Candles homesick $29.95 For the graduate who’s headed off away from home — for either col- lege or that first full-time job — this scented candle might ward of home- sickness. Homesick candles come in a variety of scents based on location. There are scents available for every state and some countries and cities. Philadelphia does not (yet?) have a scent, but the Pennsylvania candle smells like “caramel, maple, buttery rum and malty molasses,” while the United States candle has the “taste of freedom and the smell of home. Warm baked American pie, wafting of tart Granny Smith apples, vanilla and cinnamon.” Animal Card-Holder Amazon Ranges between $15 and $22.52, depending on color and animal One thing a recent graduate might not know is how many business cards will soon inundate the next chapter of their life. You can prepare them in advance with a cute place to store those business cards. Gift the graduate in your life with an animal card-holder, available in green turtle, blue armadillo, yellow hedgehog and more. Finest Italian Cuisine Special Events | Fresh Fish & Pasta Daily On & Off Premises Catering Gift Cards Available For Purchase NEW Private Room Available For Booking Come See Our Newly Expanded Dining Area Full Liquor License, BYOB, Wine Permitted (No Cork Fees) 720 Skippack Pike | Blue Bell 215.283.9500 www.RistoranteCastello.com See Gifts, Page 20 JEWISHEXPONENT.COM SIMCHAS MARCH 21, 2019 19 Gifts Continued from Page 19 WEDDING LATE-IN-LIFE B’NAI MITZVAH “My Soul Loves” Laser-Cut Paper JudaicaWebStore.com $129 If you’re looking beyond the regis- try for a more personal wedding gift, check out this laser-cut paper from Israeli artist David Fisher. It includes an image of a pair of deer set among a pomegranate motif with a verse from Song of Songs: “Matsati Et Sheahava Nafshi” — “I have found the one whom my soul loves.” It is avail- able in blue, green or bordeaux and with the text in either English or Hebrew. Yarmulkes for a Special Occasion MayaWorks $19 These kippot were handmade by Mayan artisans in Guatemala. The gold threaded through- out the kippah or as a band around it give it an elegant look, but if these are not quite your friend’s style, MayaWorks has a variety of other handmade kippot available in tuxedo black and white, psychedelic rainbow and floral patterns. Where It All Began Throw Pillow Personal Creations $45.99 Everyone could use more pil- lows in their life, and this particular throw pillow can add a personal accent to any new married couple’s home. Customize it with the cou- ple’s name, how they met and date of their wedding, and show how much you really know and appreciate them in your life. A Tree in Israel Jewish National Fund $18 You might be buying a gift for someone who missed out on a Bar or Bat Mitzvah when they were 12 or 13, but that doesn’t mean they need to miss out on some of the gifts associated with a more traditional ritual. That includes planting a tree in Israel in their honor through the Jewish National Fund, which has been making the desert bloom for more than a century. Older B’nai Mitzvah would also certainly have a greater appreciation for this gift than a teenager. ❤ szighelboim@jewishexponent.com; 215-832-0729 Something borrowed, Everything Bluestone! 215.646.2300 WWW.BLUESTONECC.COM . 20 MARCH 21, 2019 SIMCHAS JEWISHEXPONENT.COM Unexpected Moments From the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Chronicles ANDY GOTLIEB | JE MANAGING EDITOR B ar and Bat Mitzvahs oft en are positioned as a highlight of childhood (and a bridge to adulthood), but they just as oft en have some sort of traumatic element as well. Whether it’s severe stage fright, technical diffi culties, a sud- den family squabble, a drunk relative embarrassing everyone or a wardrobe malfunction, a picture-perfect event can be kind of rare. Although nobody on the Jewish Exponent staff had a horrifi c experience, some less-than-positive memories do exist, even at events other than their own — although everything did tend to work out for the best. Here’s a sampling, starting with my own day. HOPING FOR RAIN ON MY BIG DAY As my Bar Mitzvah day (June 30, 1979) approached, I became an ardent follower of the late Action News weatherman Jim O’Brien. Every day, I watched the news to catch the weather forecast, fervently hoping that something would change and the predicted sunny skies would give way to downpours of rain. My Bar Mitzvah confl icted with the Newtown-Edgemont Little League championships — and my team, the Indians, was playing for the championship. I was the left -handed starting second base- men on my team; I was a lousy hitter, but I could fi eld and run. Anyway, I was praying for rain, hoping the game would be postponed a day so I could play. It turns out O’Brien’s forecast was spot-on and the weather was beautiful. My Bar Mitzvah went off without a hitch — and my team lost 6-0. But there were even ramifi cations at the luncheon following the service. As this was my last year of Little League eligibility, I missed the cer- emonies for the “graduating” players. One of the things the departing players got to do was stand on home plate and try to throw a baseball into a barrel angled where second base normally was placed. While I couldn’t leave, my friends did — “I’ve waited fi ve years for this” one told me — so I had a depleted crowd at the luncheon. I can’t say I wasn’t a bit jealous that I didn’t get a chance at the barrel. See Unexpected, Page 22 From Generation to Generation A Family Tradition For All Occasions Formerly of Fleets T AILORED C LOTHING S PORTSWEAR A CCESSORIES F OOTWEAR F ORMAL A TTIRE ... S ALES & R ENTALS F OR M EN & B OYS ! 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B e l s h @Wa r w i c k R i t t e n h o u s e . c o m 215.735.6000 220 South 17th Street P h i l a d e l p h i a , PA 1 9 1 0 3 WA RW I C K R I T T E N H O U S E .C O M At Saligman Middle School in the late aughts, to show up on Monday without wearing the give-away attire of the preceding weekend’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah was to proclaim that you hadn’t risked it all in a game of Coke and Pepsi; you hadn’t slid the Cha- Cha slide; you hadn’t snickered at the forced rhyme for candle number 7. You hadn’t lived. I don’t remember a lot of party specifi cs, but I do remember my sweatpants emblazoned with, “I Had Eilat of Fun at Maya’s Bat Mitzvah” (Israel-themed party) and “Orange You Glad You Came to Jon’s Bar Mitzvah?” So when my parents told me that, in lieu of a giveaway, we’d be making donations in the names of each party guest, I was aghast — my dreams of give-away immortality, lost in time like so many tears in the rain — but I had no choice but to assent. Somehow, I survived. When I think back to the ridiculousness of it all now, how much we were being taught to socially signify to one another at those parties (she had a band, he had a DJ; he had Betty the Caterer, she had snacks), I’m thankful to my parents for preserving little of that night but the photos and the memories. Not because it wasn’t terrifi cally fun — it was — but because the thought of someone walking around in a sweatshirt that says something like, I don’t know, “Th ings Got Messy at Jesse’s Bar Mitzvah” is a horrifying prospect. CELEBRATING SANS SYNAGOGUE Selah Maya Zighelboim, Staff Writer Aft er lessons with my Bat Mitzvah tutor, we would sometimes go out to her backyard so she could feed the deer — much to the chagrin of her neighbors. Th at tutor was a cantor who worked in the Austin, Texas, Jewish community and she, like everything else that was a part of my Bat Mitzvah, was chosen by me and my family. We picked the date (the day before my 13th birthday). We chose to have a mincha maariv service instead of the more common shacharit service. We even made our own siddur, and I chose what tune I wanted for each song. My family had moved to Austin a little more than a year before my Bat Mitzvah, so we didn’t belong to a synagogue. I didn’t have a set way to go about the process or even a place to read from the Torah, but it wasn’t a detriment. Rather, it was an opportunity to make the entire celebration more personal. In the end, my Bat Mitzvah was held in an upstairs library at Texas Hillel. I led most of the service myself, with support from my tutor/ cantor and the Texas Hillel rabbi at the time. Th e service was immedi- ately followed by a party downstairs in a multipurpose room. As I danced in that multipurpose room with my out-of-town friends to the tunes of Austin’s legendary DJ Simcha, I remember feeling like it was the best night of my life. And when my brother’s Bar Mitzvah came around two years later, my family chose once again to have the celebration sans synagogue. ❤ 22 MARCH 21, 2019 SIMCHAS JEWISHEXPONENT.COM ADVERTISER INDEX Barb-Lin Carpet One ................................22 Bluestone Country Club ......................... 20 By Invitation Only ....................................... 8 Castello at Blue Bell ..................................19 Chickie’s Daughter ..................................... 8 Congregation Tiferet Bet Israel ............ 10 Dave & Buster’s .........................................23 Declaration of Invitations ......................... 5 FREE APPETIZER Development Corporation for Israel .....13 Gladwyne Pharmacy ..................................4 Goldstein’s Men’s and Boys’ Apparel .... 11 Hebrew Helpers .........................................23 with the purchase of an entree, limit one per table. 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