under Jewish law, requires her husband’s con-
sent to divorce.

Gabel is on excellent terms with her ex and had noth-
ing but praise for Rabbi Yanoff ’s guidance. But the divorce experi-
ence, she explained, made her uncomfortably aware of the struggle
of many less-fortunate Jewish women to obtain a freedom that is
automatically granted to men. “It was more involved than I thought,”
said Gabel, recalling a hectic gathering of witness rabbis to finalize
the get — and their raised eyebrows when her fiancé and her freshly
divorced ex-husband hugged warmly in the corridor.

While Reform rabbis take a lenient stance toward the get, Jewish
divorce is “a cornerstone” for the Conservative movement, said
Rabbi Yanoff. “We want to make sure that people are either clearly
married or clearly not married according to Jewish law,” he explained.

“We don’t want any questions about it. We believe this is helping
people.” The Jewish teaching on love – “ahava” in Hebrew — is in
fact based on treaty language, said Rabbi Yanoff, noting that marriage
is “a deep, loyal, legal commitment.”
In addition to second-time legal considerations, there are sar-
torial ones as well. While few brides today feel bound by con-
ventional dictates, said Jablonowski, many still opt for the tra-
ditional ivory rather than white. Alice Bloch wore sugar-pink
lace; Robin Gabel, who felt white “just didn’t seem to be appro-
priate,” will don a champagne-hued dress with a blue jeweled
sash for her April nuptials.

More modest, less explicitly bridal attire may reflect a desire to be
practical above all, noted Chimento. With college bills and retirement
looming, “they don’t want to spend a lot of money,” said the wedding
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planner. “Also, they remember how uncomfort-
able their gorgeous dress was the first time around.”
Nothing is more comfortable than a sundress —
the attire of choice for an increasing number of second-time brides
who choose a destination wedding. Getting hitched on a far-away
beach or a cruise ship “gets around the guest-list issue, there are
plenty of things to do for the kids, and it’s totally different in feel
from the first time around,” explained Jablonowski. She added that
those who marry far away will often host a casual celebration back
home, allowing a larger crowd to celebrate without the expense or
gift expectations of a formal wedding.

And what exactly are those expectations? Gifts are a sensitive
topic, given how lavishly some may have fêted the bride or groom
the first time around — and how irrelevant service for 12 may be
to the typical midlife couple. These factors explain why gift registries
are uncommon for second-timers, with any wish list more likely to
include Tahiti than tableware.

To relieve guests of obligation, some couples ask guests for a char-
itable contribution in lieu of presents; others specify “no gifts” on
the invitation, as Haimes and Cook did. Liberated from the registry,
many of their well-wishers gave the kinds of treats first-timers could
only wish for, Haimes reported: high-quality alcohol, gift certificates
for dinners on the European honeymoon, spa getaways.

“Truly, second weddings are much more open,” said Jablonowski.

“The first time, everyone had a million opinions — you have to have
this band, that centerpiece, wear this kind of dress. But the second
time, everyone is just genuinely happy for your happiness. Second
weddings are a very freeing place to be.” l
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