Marla Rosenthol (above and right) entered
into her second wedding in 2006.

Second Time
Continued from Page 29
“What I love about these second weddings is the intimacy,” said Rabbi
Leib. “They are quite literally surrounded by their loved ones. There
are fewer people, but they’ve all known each other longer.”
Smaller gatherings are a matter of custom and taste rather than
Jewish ritual, according to Rabbi Yonah Gross of the Orthodox Con-
gregation Beth Hamedrosh in Wynnewood. But second weddings
do not call for the seven days of halachically mandated celebration,
known as the sheva b’racha, that are observed after first-time nuptials,
the rabbi noted. “It may be a shorter period if one person has been
previously married,” Rabbi Gross explained. “I think it recognizes
that it’s more of a subdued moment; it’s not the youthful exuberance
of a wedding the first time around.”
Subdued or exuberant, second weddings often celebrate tri-
umph over the kinds of challenges most 20-somethings never
consider. When Marla Rosenthol married five years after surviving
breast cancer — a diagnosis she received three months into her
relationship with Leonard, a computer scientist — “we had a lot
to celebrate,” said the Huntingdon Valley mother of three, now
53. The couple, who met as divorced parents in 2001, were also
formalizing what Rosenthol calls a “mixed marriage,”
a thoughtfully negotiated lifestyle that combined
her Reform values and his Orthodox practice.

Their 2006 wedding, at which both Rabbi Leib
Rabbi Menachem Schmidt of Lubavitch of
Philadelphia participated in the ceremony, in-
30 MARCH 31, 2016
cluded an English-language ketubah reading, separate-sex dancing
and a host of traditional Jewish rituals for which Rosenthol has new-
found appreciation. “We were celebrating what we got from each oth-
er,” she explained. “He got a more balanced life from me, and I got
more Yiddishkeit, more deeper meaning about our religion from him.”
When Robin Gabel marries Dr. Gary Gilman this spring, it’ll be
enough to finally get each other. The Gulph Mills couple in their
50s, who met on JDate nine years ago, endured lengthy, complicated
divorces — both Jewish and civil — and now want to wed as quickly
as possible. So Rabbi Eric Yanoff will officiate for about 15 guests
at Congregation Adath Israel in Merion Station; a larger crowd will
gather for a reception in November.

“There’s a lot of joy in this, because we’ve waited so long,” said
Gabel, who works in biotech sales. “And we went through an awful
lot to get here.” No pun intended: A Jewish divorce, called a get,
is required for remarriage in the Conservative and Orthodox
movements and can be particularly fraught for a woman, who,
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under Jewish law, requires her husband’s con-
sent to divorce.

Gabel is on excellent terms with her ex and had noth-
ing but praise for Rabbi Yanoff ’s guidance. But the divorce experi-
ence, she explained, made her uncomfortably aware of the struggle
of many less-fortunate Jewish women to obtain a freedom that is
automatically granted to men. “It was more involved than I thought,”
said Gabel, recalling a hectic gathering of witness rabbis to finalize
the get — and their raised eyebrows when her fiancé and her freshly
divorced ex-husband hugged warmly in the corridor.

While Reform rabbis take a lenient stance toward the get, Jewish
divorce is “a cornerstone” for the Conservative movement, said
Rabbi Yanoff. “We want to make sure that people are either clearly
married or clearly not married according to Jewish law,” he explained.

“We don’t want any questions about it. We believe this is helping
people.” The Jewish teaching on love – “ahava” in Hebrew — is in
fact based on treaty language, said Rabbi Yanoff, noting that marriage
is “a deep, loyal, legal commitment.”
In addition to second-time legal considerations, there are sar-
torial ones as well. While few brides today feel bound by con-
ventional dictates, said Jablonowski, many still opt for the tra-
ditional ivory rather than white. Alice Bloch wore sugar-pink
lace; Robin Gabel, who felt white “just didn’t seem to be appro-
priate,” will don a champagne-hued dress with a blue jeweled
sash for her April nuptials.

More modest, less explicitly bridal attire may reflect a desire to be
practical above all, noted Chimento. With college bills and retirement
looming, “they don’t want to spend a lot of money,” said the wedding
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planner. “Also, they remember how uncomfort-
able their gorgeous dress was the first time around.”
Nothing is more comfortable than a sundress —
the attire of choice for an increasing number of second-time brides
who choose a destination wedding. Getting hitched on a far-away
beach or a cruise ship “gets around the guest-list issue, there are
plenty of things to do for the kids, and it’s totally different in feel
from the first time around,” explained Jablonowski. She added that
those who marry far away will often host a casual celebration back
home, allowing a larger crowd to celebrate without the expense or
gift expectations of a formal wedding.

And what exactly are those expectations? Gifts are a sensitive
topic, given how lavishly some may have fêted the bride or groom
the first time around — and how irrelevant service for 12 may be
to the typical midlife couple. These factors explain why gift registries
are uncommon for second-timers, with any wish list more likely to
include Tahiti than tableware.

To relieve guests of obligation, some couples ask guests for a char-
itable contribution in lieu of presents; others specify “no gifts” on
the invitation, as Haimes and Cook did. Liberated from the registry,
many of their well-wishers gave the kinds of treats first-timers could
only wish for, Haimes reported: high-quality alcohol, gift certificates
for dinners on the European honeymoon, spa getaways.

“Truly, second weddings are much more open,” said Jablonowski.

“The first time, everyone had a million opinions — you have to have
this band, that centerpiece, wear this kind of dress. But the second
time, everyone is just genuinely happy for your happiness. Second
weddings are a very freeing place to be.” l
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