Preparing for a Special Needs Bar/Bat Mitzvah By Rabbi Margot Stein
My son, a high-functioning child with autism,
did not speak until he was 4 years old and is only
now, in seventh grade, learning to read indepen-
dently. Yet he chanted from the Torah, recited the
Shema, helped lead the service, and delivered a
d’var Torah that was unique in several important
ways. He was thrilled, and so were we.

How can you make your child’s celebration
equally memorable?
1. Know your child and make accommodations
accordingly. Do not hesitate to ask your rabbi to
work with you on this. If your child is as outgoing
as our son is, and can handle a lot of guests, fi ne. If
she is fearful of crowds or has performance anxi-
ety, keep it intimate. While we are close with our
synagogue rabbi, we also asked Rabbi Zev Baram
from the Philly Friendship Circle to be a spiritual
mentor for our son, since the Barams’ work with
the special needs community has taught our son
much about what it means to be Jewish.

2. Choose a time and place where you have
more control. A big sanctuary with two B’nai
Mitzvah each week is probably not going to be
the right setting if you want to bend rules and de-
velop an individualized event. We chose a mincha,
or afternoon, service beginning an hour before
sundown on Saturday afternoon and culminating
with Havdalah. It’s a beautiful time of day, and one
that has fewer requirements in terms of the liturgy
but does include a Torah service (be sure to cal-
culate the correct reading based on the following
week’s parsha).

3. Determine how your child learns best. Is she
a natural mimic? Can he read with ease? Would a
kinesthetic, hands-on approach be more effec-
tive? I can’t tell you how helpful it is to work with
a qualifi ed tutor who is able to develop a multi-
sensory plan. Rabbi Michelle Greenfi eld brought
Alef-Bet games, developed a reward system to
motivate learning, created an enlarged notebook
of the appropriate pages from the prayer book,
used highlighters and other visual cues, and cre-
ated a visual schedule of each week’s tutoring
session. As parents, we also made recordings,
built rewards into his week for practicing, and
made arrangements with his special needs camp
to continue his tutoring over the summer.

4. Don’t be afraid to veer off the beaten path
— and get help from others along the way. As the
weeks went by, we realized our son would not
be able to deliver a traditional Dd’ar Torah. So we
asked a beloved adult friend to help. Together,
they prepared the story, decided what was
important about it and designed a conversation
that elicited the points they wanted to make. On
the big day, this friend gently guided him through
their foam core note cards, asking questions and
elaborating here and there. Our son’s natural
talkativeness and preference for relational experi-
ences shone through.

5. Do some things that are just plain fun. In our
case, announcing the page numbers seemed to fi t
the bill (the rabbi whispered them in his ear and
he repeated them aloud). One boy wrote a song
for his d’var Torah and sang it with his dad, with
the whole congregation joining in on the cho-
ruses. If your child has a special interest, build that
into the service in some way.

Melissa Bell
The Jewish Relief Agency honors the efforts
and dedication of the B’nai Mitzvah students
who, over the past year, did an awesome job
helping to deliver food and a smile to more
than 3,200 needy families each month. Mazel
Tov and thank you all for inviting your friends
and family to join in your mitzvah at JRA!
Marlee Berger
Mark Klinchin
Old York Road Temple-Beth Am
Stuart Berman
Shir Ami
Michael Kumnick
Temple Emanuel, NJ
Philip Brosof
Congregations of Shaare Shamayim
Amalia Littwin
Congregation Sons of Israel
Alex Burick
Beth Tikvah-B’nai Jeshurun
Cara Margolis
Main Line Reform Temple
Madison Cacopardo
Old York Road Temple-Beth Am
Micheala Patalano
Old York Road Temple-Beth Am
Matthew Center
Beth Tikvah-B’nai Jeshurun
Isaac Perera
Shir Ami
Erin Cheifetz
Old York Road Temple-Beth Am
Adam Plotnick
Temple Judea of Bucks County
Samantha Frank
Temple Brith Achim
Will Pludo
Alexandra Fronstin
Congregation Beth Or
Maci Gordon
Congregation Beth Or
Allie Hershman
Congregation Beth Or
Michael Kalman
Temple Sinai, Dresher
Mina Kessler
Suburban Jewish Community Center-B’nai Aaron
April 12, May 3,
June 7, & July 12
6. Plan the reception with as much support as
you need and in a way that works for you. In our
case, we wanted the dinner to follow right down-
stairs for the easiest possible transition. With 15
classmates with a range of special needs in atten-
dance, we also invited a parent chaperone (both
parents, if we knew them or had socialized with
them), plus we hired two teenaged girls to help
the kids dance and follow directions for games on
the dance fl oor. Work with your bandleader or DJ
to make the whole party as easygoing and kid-
friendly as possible, or skip the music if your child
dislikes loud noise.

7. Do a Mitzvah Project. Sometimes we let kids
with special needs off the hook when it comes
to helping others. I think this can be a mistake; all
kids feel better about themselves when they are
helping others. Choose a project that is attain-
able for your child, and support her every step of
the way. Our son wanted to help animals (which
integrated perfectly with his study of Noah and
the Ark). We were lucky to fi nd Sam’s Hope,
which packs donated food and delivers it to food
pantries, shut-ins, and others who cannot keep
their pets at home without food support.

8. Delegate someone to troubleshoot logis-
tics once the service begins. Your job is to sit up
front, surrounded by loved ones and enjoy every
second as it unfolds!
Rabbi Margot Stein is a graduate of RRC,
where she currently teaches prayer and liturgy
to rabbinical students. She is a board member of
Jewish Learning Venture and consultant to the
agency’s Whole Community Inclusion initiative.

Leah Kleinman
Temple Shalom
Daniel Rosenthal
Shir Ami
Jacob Saltzburg
Reform Congregation Keneseth Israel
Sophia Shapiro
Beth Sholom Congregation
Melissa Sicherman
Glazier Jewish Center
Sammy Vaniver
Ohev Shalom of Bucks County
Lily Warkow
Temple Sinai, Dresher
Emma Zucker
Temple Judea of Bucks County
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