Mother
Continued from Page 25
Another friend told me that on the day of her son’s wedding she
was waiting in the hotel lobby to be driven to the beauty salon for
her hair and makeup appointment. After more than an hour beyond
the designated time, she called the bride. Her call was greeted with
giggles. In her excitement, the bride had forgotten to pick up the
mother of the groom. Ignoring the insult, the mother of the groom
called a taxi and joined the other women.

Someone else told me about a father of the groom who, the day
before the wedding, was practicing his planned remarks. One of the
bride’s parents asked what he was doing. When he told them, they
informed him there was no time at the wedding or reception for
him to speak. This father remained outwardly calm, took a long
walk, and delivered his speech at the rehearsal dinner.

When planning our son’s wedding, we used the horror stories as
examples of what not to do. But I also heard stories of cooperation
and understanding between the bride’s and groom’s families.

For one wedding, the families maintained a joint spreadsheet on
which every wedding expense was recorded and a notation was
made to indicate which family paid the bill. After the wedding, the
expenses were equally divided.

For another, both families had decided in advance how much
the groom’s family would contribute. Upon seeing the lavish nature
of the wedding, the groom’s family volunteered to contribute addi-
tional funds. This offer was declined. Several months later, the
groom’s family learned that the bride’s family had taken a second
mortgage on their home to pay for the wedding.

Not surprisingly, I’ve found the most frequent question for the
parents of the groom is: “How are the wedding expenses divided?”
There are many answers. Every wedding is different.

Within the Orthodox Jewish community, the groom’s family tra-
ditionally pays for FLOPS (an acronym for flowers, liquor, orchestra,
photographer and shaytel). But these days the bride and groom often
pay for their own wedding, with minimal assistance from the parents.

Many wedding websites say the groom’s family is responsible for
the orchestra, rehearsal dinner and post-wedding breakfast.

The best advice I received while planning my son’s wedding was
to remember that you are entering into a long-term relationship
with a family you barely know. A wedding is the first of many shared
experiences that are meant to be enjoyed by both families. This is
the time to get to know each other and accept differences.

Rabbi Joel Seltzer, the director of Camp Ramah in the Poconos,
explains that a wedding is really a marriage of four parties: the bride
and groom to each other; the bride and groom to their new in-laws;
and both sets of parents to each other. Of the four marriages, only
one is voluntary.

SO IS THERE A ROLE FOR THE MOTHER
OF THE GROOM AT A JEWISH WEDDING?
The answer depends upon which wedding customs are included in
the ceremony. At most Jewish weddings, the groom is escorted to
the chuppah by both of his parents. They usually walk on either side
of him. At some Orthodox weddings, however, the groom is escorted
by both fathers, while the bride is escorted by both mothers.

Many observant grooms choose to wear a kittel on top of their
clothing. This white cotton robe is a sign of purity. One wears it on
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur; for a Passover seder; during a
wedding; and sometimes for burial. If the groom is wearing a kittel,
both of his parents help him put it on and button it.

At traditional Jewish weddings, one might see a ceremony called
26 OCTOBER 27, 2016
The day of her son’s wedding
she was waiting in the hotel lobby to be
driven to the beauty salon for her hair and
makeup appointment. After more than an
hour beyond the designated time, she called
the bride. Her call was greeted with
giggles. In her excitement, the bride had
forgotten to pick up the mother of the groom.

tenaim, or engagement. This is a legal agreement between the parents
of the bride and groom. The tenaim concerns the timing and finan-
cial arrangements for the marriage.

The signing of tenaim takes place prior to the actual wedding. It
may be on a separate day, usually with a small party for the couple
and their parents, or on the day of the wedding prior to the signing
of the ketubah. The tenaim is read to all present in Aramaic, and
then the mothers of the bride and groom break a china plate, sig-
nifying the completion of the engagement agreement.

At a Jewish wedding the groom must own the ring that he gives
to the bride; even a family heirloom must be owned by the groom.

So at an engagement party for my son and future daughter-in-law,
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