opinion
BY JEFF RUBIN
For the Sin We Have Sinned by
Making People Feel Unwelcome
at Synagogues
PEXELS.COm / COTTONBRO
I have been shocked lately by the number of my
friends who have left synagogues because of a
pattern of unkind remarks from rabbinic and volunteer
leaders. A Jew-by-choice belittled. A twenty-
something shamed. A professional demeaned.

Jewish Twitter is full of accounts by Jews by
choice or Jews of color who have been challenged,
patronized or “othered” when they show up in
Jewish spaces. Essayists lament that too many
synagogues don’t seem welcoming or sensitive to
single parents or don’t accommodate people with
disabilities. Saying and doing hurtful things is not just ethi-
cally wrong, it’s destructive to organizations and
has no place in the sacred communities that con-
gregations strive to be.

As any marketer will tell you, it is far cheaper to
keep a customer than to acquire a new one — and
synagogues can’t afford to alienate a single con-
gregant. With the ranks of the unaffiliated growing,
according to Pew’s 2020 study, synagogue leaders
need to watch what they say to keep, welcome and
attract members.

The Pew study revealed that 7% of American
Jews do not attend synagogue regularly because
they “don’t feel welcome” while another 4% say
“people treat me like I don’t really belong.” During
my dozen years as a Hillel professional we invested
heavily in training staff to create environments that
welcomed and engaged Jewish students of all
backgrounds, regardless of how they looked, loved
or worshiped. My first encounter with Hillel when I
was just a high school senior ended poorly: Visiting
Boston University’s Hillel, I was so put off by a com-
ment that I didn’t apply to the school.

Of course this is a problem as old as Judaism
itself. On the first day of Rosh Hashanah, we read the
story of Hannah, the distraught woman who came to
the Tabernacle at Shiloh to pray for a cure for infer-
tility. Eli the Priest, seeing her pray silently — here-
tofore an unknown practice — accused her of being
drunk. The priest said to her, “How long will you
make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Sober up!”
Hannah replied, “Oh no, my lord! I am a very
unhappy woman. I have drunk no wine or other
strong drink … I have only been speaking all this
time out of my great anguish and distress.”
“Then go in peace,” said Eli, “and may the God of
Israel grant you what you have asked of Him.”
What if Hannah couldn’t muster the strength
to defend herself and simply walked out of the
Tabernacle — and out of Judaism? What if Eli
did not have the compassion to correct himself?
Would Hannah’s son, Samuel, have been raised
to become a Jewish leader recognized by the
three Biblical faiths as a prophet? How would Eli’s
thoughtless remark have changed history?
The rabbis recognized the toxicity of insults and
cited such remarks as a transgression in one of
the oldest elements of the Yom Kippur service,
the confessional, or Vidui. During the Vidui, wor-
shippers strike their breasts and acknowledge
that they have “smeared” others, “dibarnu dofi.”
Medieval commentator Rashi said the word “dofi”
means “slander” and that it derives from “casting
off” — as if by definition defamation leads to alien-
ation. One prayerbook perceptively renders the
phrase as, “We have destroyed” — a reputation, a
relationship, a communal bond.

Jewish literature is full of guides to proper com-
munication and avoiding evil speech, or “lashon
hara” — from the Psalmist’s admonition, “Guard
your tongue from evil and your lips from speak-
ing deceitfully,” to the Talmudic “Let the honor
of your friend be as dear to you as your own,” to
Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan’s masterwork, the “Sefer
Chofetz Chaim,” to Rabbi Joseph Telushkin’s excel-
lent book, “Words that Hurt, Words that Heal.”
But how do congregations turn wise words into
action? Linda Rich, a New York-based leadership coach
who counsels synagogues and nonprofits, regards
respectful communication as a core behavior for a
successful congregation, and a congregation that
lives the Jewish values it espouses. Discussion
and disagreement are the signs of a healthy group,
but in the Jewish context they should be civil and
“l’shem shamayin,” for the advancement of sacred
work, not for other motives.

She recommends that volunteers and staff study
the principles that are fundamental to Jewish
life, and sign a covenant to uphold them. When
individuals fail to do so they should be reminded
politely, clearly and directly that they are a valued
member of the congregation, but this behavior
is unacceptable. Try to be positive: Point out that
they can be even more effective leaders if they
watch what they say and adjust their approach.

The congregation should sponsor periodic surveys
or other forms of evaluation to determine how well
the group is fulfilling its duties and covenants.

On Yom Kippur, we reflect on our personal
shortcomings, but we atone as a group. We do not
seek forgiveness “for the sin that I have committed
through my words,” but “for the sin that we have
committed through our words.” Our individual
words have collective impact. The High Holidays
provide a golden opportunity to rethink how those
words affect others and to take steps to change as
individuals and congregations. JE
Jeff Rubin is a writer in the Baltimore-Washington
area. JEWISHEXPONENT.COM
17