d’var torah
A Good Rebuke
Brings Peace
BY RABBI GREGORY MARX
Parshat Kedoshim
W ithout a doubt, Kedoshim,
our Torah portion for this
Shabbat, is so full of wis-
dom and faith. It reminds us that we can
be more than we already are.

So many self-help gurus remind us
that we are holy, that everything we do
can be lift ed up and celebrated. Th is
Torah portion, on the other hand, comes
to teach us that we can be holy. “You shall
be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy.”
Holiness, in other words, is a goal, not a
natural state of being.

In that path to being holy, we fi nd a
choice gem: Leviticus 19:17, “Reprove
your neighbor, but incur no guilt
because of him.”
greatest opportunity for growth.

According to our tradition, there are
numerous don’ts to being this gentle critic
which we can apply to our friendship:
Don’t confront the other person pub-
licly. A public confrontation tends to cause
the other to defend their actions and to
become locked into a public posture.

Don’t talk to the other person when
you are angry. Anger begets anger and
results in heat and not light.

Don’t use harsh words or personal ref-
erences which would hurt or embarrass
the other person.

Don’t argue against the person; argue
against the behavior. Ad hominem argu-
ments not only hurt, they lengthen the
debate and make people more intransigent.

Don’t criticize another before looking
within and seeing if we possess the same
character fl aw we seek to criticize in others.

taken. Do remember that constant nega-
tivity will soon be ignored by the listener.

Holiness does not come easily or
cheaply. It means doing the hard stuff and
sometimes that means gently and kindly
opening our mouths and trying to correct
a friend. Even the rabbis had a hard time
with it. Th ey were very candid about the
diffi culty of off ering a reproach.

According to the Talmud, Rabbi Tarfon
said, “I wonder if there is anyone in this
generation who accepts rebuke, for if one
says to him (Tarfon) Remove the mote
(small substance/piece of material) from
between your eyes, he would answer:
Remove the beam from between your eyes!
Rabbi Elazar ben Azariah said: I wonder
if there is one in this generation who
knows how to reprove! Rabbi Yochanan
said, I call heaven and earth as my witness
that because of me Akiva was punished,
because I used to complain about him
before Rabban Gamliel, and all the more
so Akiva showered me with love.”
I end with a related quote from
Proverbs 9:8: “Reprove not a scorner, lest
you be hated. Reprove a wise person, and
you will be loved for it.” JE
Rabbi Gregory S. Marx is the senior
rabbi at Congregation Beth Or in Maple
Glen. Th e Board of Rabbis of Greater
Philadelphia is proud to provide diverse
perspectives on Torah commentary for the
Jewish Exponent. Th e opinions expressed
in this column are the author’s own and do
not refl ect the view of the Board of Rabbis.

A true friend, neighbor is one who
feels an obligation to be helpful,
not only in good times, but when
things go astray.

A true friend, neighbor is one who feels
an obligation to be helpful, not only in
good times, but when things go astray,
when your neighbor gets into trouble or
brings suff ering to others. In the mid-
rash Bereshit Rabbah, we learn that true
love means having the courage to say
what is needed. Rabbi Yosi ben Chanina
said, “Love without reproof is no love.”
Elsewhere we learn from Resh Lakish,
“Reproof leads to peace; a peace where
there has been no reproof is no peace.”
We are to act the part of the friendly
critic, helping our friend to look at him/
herself, and see themselves through the
eyes of others, so that our friend can cor-
rect their own shortcomings and live up
to their fullest potentials. A true friend
does not fl atter, but is a gentle and friendly
critic. Obsequious fl attery is cheap and
safe. Criticism is risky, but it provides the
Famously we learn from the Baal Shem
Tov that if we see another person doing
something ugly, we are to meditate on the
presence of that same ugliness in ourselves.

Maybe, the sight of a sin before our eyes
came in order to remind us of that fault
within, so as to bring us back in repentance.

Don’t off er even the most loving criti-
cism until you are ready to hear it.

Here are a few Jewish dos:
Be sure of your own motives, that you
are doing it for the sake of the person or
the cause which you believe in, and not
to relieve your feelings or to unload your
anger. Th en speak as calmly, as soft ly
and as lovingly as possible. Th en focus
on the deed not the doer. Point out what
was wrong with the act or idea, but don’t
impugn the character of the actor.

Respect the person, even while you crit-
icize the deed. Encourage positive steps
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