O PINION
Too Many Chose to Look Away from Chaim Walder’s Crimes.

We Can Make Other Choices Now
BY RAHEL BAYAR
DURING MY FIRST MONTH
as an assistant district attorney
in the Bronx, I spent most of
my time engaged in an inten-
sive orientation. As part of
that training, a senior ADA
taught us the art of an eff ective
opening argument. Whether
you are prosecuting a child
rape case, robbery or homicide,
your ability to seek justice is
aff ected by the words you
choose to use.

To illustrate this, the
ADA shared an eff ective and
impactful opening argument
in a case involving a drunk
driver, which started like this:
Choices. Choices are what
we make every day. We walk
through each moment deciding
what to do and how to do it.

Choices are how we make it
from point A to point B; they
are why we are here. In the
case of a DWI, the choices are
your road map. Th e choice to
drink. To leave the bar. To pick
up those keys. To walk to your
car. To open the door. To get in.

To put the key in the ignition.

To turn it. To shift into Drive.

Th ose small choices are what
led to this moment. To crash.

To kill.

Every single person who
has sexually abused a child has
made a choice. So too have
the adults, parents, teachers,
coaches, role models, clergy,
spiritual advisors or communal
leaders who have chosen not to
act — or not to act in the right
way. The
recent scandal
surrounding Israeli children’s
book author Chaim Walder,
accused of sexually abusing
dozens of people, including
minors, is rife with people
making the right and wrong
choices. The revelations
inspired a surprising and
welcome backlash within the
Orthodox Jewish community
in which Walder was a celeb-
rity, with retailers and media
companies severing ties with
him. On the other side, too many
rabbis, communal leaders and
educators kept silent, chose to
say little or cautioned against
“gossip,” especially after
Walder’s apparent suicide in the
wake of the allegations. Some
publicly blamed his accusers
for going public, appeared at
Walder’s funeral and shiva
house or, as the Jerusalem-
based teacher and author
Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller did
on her Facebook page, spoke
of Walder as having “lost his
balance.” He did not “lose his balance.”
He preyed on children. And
the choice to use such benign
words only infl icts more pain,
trauma and harm.

In all my years of prose-
cuting child abuse and sex
crimes cases, the impact of
choices was apparent in every
case, every day. Choices made
by others meant I could not
indict a perpetrator or take
them to trial because of the
trauma infl icted on the victim,
in many cases — a young
child. Choices had an impact
on every person who could not
testify because the pain and
trauma were too raw and real.

Choices made by some meant
a child could not disclose their
suff ering for years because
there was no safe space to do
so. Other survivors couldn’t
come forward because they
knew they would be ostracized
in communities that choose to
blame the victims.

It is a choice to remain
uneducated about what a
child’s experience of abuse
might feel and look like. It is
a choice to ignore red fl ags,
boundary-crossing behavior or
grooming tactics by adults in
positions of power or trust. It
is a choice to attribute sole
authority to religious and
spiritual fi gures to determine
whether something should be
reported, to whom and how. It
is a choice when our communal
leaders choose to impart — or
withhold — knowledge about
the reality of sexual abuse.

Th ese choices change lives and,
many times, not for the better.

So now, we have another
choice. For communal leaders, the
right choice means saying this:
“We stand with and believe
survivors and victims. We are
committed to learning more,
to reporting abuse to law
enforcement and to educating
our communities — the adults,
teachers and rabbis who should
bear the onus of preventing
abuse. We are committed to
providing the tools to commu-
nicate and empower our kids,
without placing the burden of
preventing abuse on them. We
are sorry. We must do better.

We will do better.”
Th e wrong choices include
suppressing eff ective talk and
knowledge of sexual abuse by
invoking the so-called dangers
of “lashon hara” (speaking
badly), false allegations,
rumor-mongering or smear
campaigns. Th e wrong choice
is using your social media
platform to share inaccurate
information or play the “both
sides have suff ered” argument.

Th e wrong choice means
leveraging the power of spiri-
tual trust and guidance to
downplay reports of sexual
abuse. Th e wrong choices
include spreading the harmful
canard that a child adhering to
the Jewish laws of “yichud” and
“negiah” — sexual modesty —
will be protected from sexual
abuse. Such choices are dangerous,
erroneous and put the onus
of child protection on the
children themselves.

It is our communal respon-
sibility to be the protectors. To
be a protector, we must make
Be heard.

better choices.

Eff ective abuse prevention is
about the little moments. Th e
choices we make in sharing
information at the dinner or
Shabbat table. Th e words we
choose, especially when we
think our kids aren’t listening.

If a parent’s fi rst reaction to
these reports is “innocent until
proven guilty,” or that “Walder’s
books did so much good in the
world,” their children, whether
they have witnessed abuse,
experienced abuse, or just want
to understand more about it,
are unlikely to come forward.

Anyone who does this work
professionally will tell you that
it won’t matter how oft en you
tell children that they should let
you know if something unsafe
ever happens to them: Th ey are
unlikely to share if they sense
that “I won’t be believed” or “I
did something to cause this.”
So, make a choice.

Choose guidance from
real experts in the fi eld over
spiritual leadership with no
expertise. Choose to use your platforms
to convey accurate information.

Choose to be educated and
informed, and to ask a profes-
sional when you don’t know
enough. Choose better.

Choose to save a life. ●
Rahel Bayar is a former sex crimes
and child abuse prosecutor and
the CEO of The Bayar Group,
which works with schools, camps
and faith-based organizations on
eff ective abuse prevention.

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14 JANUARY 13, 2022
JEWISH EXPONENT
JEWISHEXPONENT.COM