P urim S piel /S atire
Study: There’s a 65% Chance
You’re on Mute Right Now
FAKE NEWS
SY LENCE | JE STAFF
EXPERTS AT HECK University
have published a study that
shows almost no one is using
Zoom’s mute button correctly.

“The findings were definitely
surprising,” said Dana Goldfarb,
professor in the Department
of Sociology. “When lots of
people have to learn how to use
technology in a short period of
time, there’s bound to be some
hiccups, but our research shows
there’s a 75% chance you’ve been
on mute while trying to impress
your boss with an important
PowerPoint.” The study showed there was
a 37% chance you’ve been on
mute while talking about David
Foster Wallace on a virtual date, a
68% chance you’ve been on mute
Infant Sets Record
for Number of Ys in
First Name
FAKE N E W S
INLOCO PARENTIS | JE STAFF
To quote from “Mr. Mom,” “You’re doing it wrong!”
AndreyPopov iStock / Getty Images Plus
during a meeting that could have
been an email and an 80% chance
you’ve been on mute while trying
to discuss anything but politics
during a virtual Shabbat dinner
with your Aunt Sharon.

“Our data indicates that
there’s also a 55% chance you’ve
ruined a public Zoom event
by neglecting to mute yourself
while your cat knocks a stack
of dishes off the counter and
your four dogs bark in the
background,” Goldfarb added. l
Temple Beth Stoner: Wait,
There’s a Pandemic?
FAKE NEWS
CENTER CITY RESIDENT
Bryaydyyn Wasserman landed
in the “Guinness Book of World
Records” a mere eight days
after his birth for an unusual
accomplishment: having four
Ys in his first name.

“We had no idea he was
so unique,” mother Rebecca
Wasserman said. “We just liked
the name.”
Father Adam Wasserman
said he and his wife named their
new son after his late grandfa-
ther, Bernard, but “Bernie” felt
too old-fashioned. They wanted
something a little more modern,
something with pizazz.

“Plus we didn’t want people
thinking we named him after
Bernie Sanders,” he said.

They narrowed it down
to Bryan and Braydyyn and
decided to combine the two in a
new name that would symbolize
the spirit of compromise.

Bryaydyyn Wasserman is pretty
smug after setting a new world’s
record — or is that just gas?
Nattakorn Maneerat iStock /
Getty Images Plus
The extraordinary infant,
whose other talents include
drooling and napping, toppled
the previous world record
of three Ys in a first name,
which was held by Cyyynthia
Green of Minneapolis. Green
did not respond to requests for
comment by press time.

Bryaydyyn’s middle name
is Samuel, after his late grand-
mother Samantha, and his
Hebrew name is Boaz.

Sharing in the joy are
siblings Kaeyedy and Cylyb. l
MARY JUANA | JE STAFF
RABBI THOMAS CHONGSTEIN
of Congregation Beth Stoner in
Center City came to a startling
conclusion the other day.

“Man, there must be
something going on because
the only people showing up for
services were Cantor Snoop
Doggberg and one congregant,
Richard Marin-Cohen, who we
call Cheech because he looks like
a kosher pork rind,” Chongstein
said. “But I was walking around
outside and saw some dudes
wearing masks and asked them
what was happening.”
“It blew my mind when
those dudes said there was a
pandemic or something going
on. No wonder nobody was
showing up!”
Chongstein described the
14 FEBRUARY 25, 2021
The indoor garden at Congregation Beth Stoner
Kimberly Delaney iStock / Getty Images Plus
pandemic as a real bummer,
but saw the positives in it, too.

“The Man [the police] has
stopped hassling us and our
indoor garden is growing better
than ever. Our Maiu Wowie,
Acapulco Gold and Thai Stick
plants look especially far out
and solid,” he said.

As part of a charitable effort
and a way to share the bumper
crop, Congregation Beth Stoner
announced a “Marijuana for
Masks” program debuting on
Feb. 31. Anyone bringing in
new masks to be distributed to
the poor will receive an ounce
of their favorite weed. l
JEWISH EXPONENT
JEWISHEXPONENT.COM



P urim S piel /S atire
Jewish Cat Owners Protest Caturday
FAKE NEWS
KIT E. CORNER | JE STAFF
JEWISH PET OWNERS
are speaking out against the
popular Saturday social media
trend called “Caturday,” when
people take to Instagram,
Facebook, TikTok and Twitter
to post photos and videos of
their beloved felines.

“I just think it’s really
unfair,” said Susan Tenkin,
who lives with her Tonkinese,
Allan, in Center City. “Allan
Lucky the Jewish cat’s cuteness
goes sadly unheralded.

Photo by Andy Gotlieb
has all kinds of funny things
he does — he responds to
me when I talk to him, he
fetches, and he wears a bow
tie and footie pajamas every
day.” Tenkin, who observes
Shabbat and therefore does not
go online on Saturdays, feels
she and Allan are missing out
on many messages of approval
from strangers.

“My friends and family all
know Allan and see him on
my feeds all the time,” she said.

“But if this didn’t take place on
Shabbat, he could be the next
GrumpyCat, with a book deal,
a stuffy — the sky’s the limit.”
She does post Allan’s
photos on Saturday night after
sundown, “but by then the
damage has already been done,”
she said. “And Caternight is
not a thing.”
Tenkin and other frustrated
photo-taking cat owners are
trying to change Caturday
observance to Sunday, but have
found themselves stymied by
the lack of a catchy hashtag.

They tried “SundayforMyOne
andOnly,” but it was quickly
co-opted by dog owners, who
posted soulful cheek-to-cheek
pics with their obscenely affec-
tionate pit bulls.

“The dog people are just
outrageous,” Tenkin said.

“They’re so superior. Did you
know that cats can communi-
cate with those buttons even
better than dogs? And they’re
not just saying ‘feed me’ all the
time. “Caturday is the only thing
cat people have to themselves,
and it’s awful that it’s not more
inclusive.” l
Uncontroversial Seder Conversation Topics
Narrowed Once More
FAKE NEWS
VILDE CHAYA | JE STAFF
ON FEBRUARY 19, the
Jewish Federations of North
America released its annual
list of approved conversation
topics for the upcoming Pesach
celebrations. For the 5781th
consecutive year, according to
the report, the list of acceptable
topics has been significantly
reduced. “ T i e - d y e ! Yo u r e a l l y
would’ve expected that tie-dye
would remain more or less
uncontroversial,” CEO Jacob
Netanyachoo wrote in a press
release. “But that’s the way of
the world these days.”
Discouraged topics now
include snowmen and snow
globes, any sort of flickering
lights (especially strobes),
the Main Line, the R5, prior
attempts to shuck and/or jive,
Flat Stanley, Stan Lee, “Thor:
Ragnarok,” Gamestop (the
store or its stock), chicken
cooked in schmaltz, any SUNY
school besides New Paltz, the
last time you saw “The Last
Waltz” and the collected works
of Adin Steinsaltz.

Additionally, families sitting
down for seder are advised to
avoid any discussion of crank
calls, pratfalls, foul balls,
symmetrical rhyming schemes,
the Art Museum steps, the
Eurasian Steppe, Ciara’s “1,
2 Step,” Sepp Blatter, rickety
ladders, anything that matters,
“The Call of the Wild,” whether
your expense report was filed,
calling JFK “Idlewild,” small
magazines, German subma-
rines, deviation from the mean
and the Tammany Hall polit-
ical machine. l
Debating whether matzah tastes more like cardboard or drywall is one of
the few permissable seder topics.
_Shtandel iStock / Getty Images Plus
Bubbe Convinced ‘This Could’ve Been Avoided if
You’d Just Worn a Coat!’
FAKE NEWS
IMA ALTERKOCKER | JE STAFF
LENORA UNPRONOUNCSKIWITCZ,
84, cited a trip you took to
the grocery store in February
of 2020 as the indisputable
beginning of the COVID-19
pandemic. “No coat, no gloves, no scarf,
no matter what I told you,”
JEWISHEXPONENT.COM You tell her she’s wrong.

Juan_Algar iStock / Getty Images Plus
Unpronouncskiwitcz said.

“You’re surprised you got a cold,
and then everyone did?”
Unpronou nc sk iw itcz ,
playing on your guilt for calling
a little less than you should,
reports that the weather that day
was “yucky,” and “cold enough
to catch your death.” Ignoring
her, deciding that you were
old enough to make your own
decisions about your fitness for
JEWISH EXPONENT
the weather, you stepped outside
to find that it was indeed a little
cold. But you’d be damned before
you’d go back inside to prove
her right.

In a finding that could
radically alter our under-
standing of the pandemic’s
genesis, Unpronouncskiwitcz
has pegged its inception to
the moment you decided to
just turn your car’s heat way
up instead.

Though Unpronouncskiwitcz
has no background in epide-
miology, no special feel for
virology, and only the broadest
understanding of the human
respiratory system, she is certain
that this whole mess would’ve
never happened if someone
learned to respect their elders.

“But what do I know,”
she said. l
FEBRUARY 25, 2021
15