P urim S piel /S atire
Study: There’s a 65% Chance
You’re on Mute Right Now
FAKE NEWS
SY LENCE | JE STAFF
EXPERTS AT HECK University
have published a study that
shows almost no one is using
Zoom’s mute button correctly.

“The findings were definitely
surprising,” said Dana Goldfarb,
professor in the Department
of Sociology. “When lots of
people have to learn how to use
technology in a short period of
time, there’s bound to be some
hiccups, but our research shows
there’s a 75% chance you’ve been
on mute while trying to impress
your boss with an important
PowerPoint.” The study showed there was
a 37% chance you’ve been on
mute while talking about David
Foster Wallace on a virtual date, a
68% chance you’ve been on mute
Infant Sets Record
for Number of Ys in
First Name
FAKE N E W S
INLOCO PARENTIS | JE STAFF
To quote from “Mr. Mom,” “You’re doing it wrong!”
AndreyPopov iStock / Getty Images Plus
during a meeting that could have
been an email and an 80% chance
you’ve been on mute while trying
to discuss anything but politics
during a virtual Shabbat dinner
with your Aunt Sharon.

“Our data indicates that
there’s also a 55% chance you’ve
ruined a public Zoom event
by neglecting to mute yourself
while your cat knocks a stack
of dishes off the counter and
your four dogs bark in the
background,” Goldfarb added. l
Temple Beth Stoner: Wait,
There’s a Pandemic?
FAKE NEWS
CENTER CITY RESIDENT
Bryaydyyn Wasserman landed
in the “Guinness Book of World
Records” a mere eight days
after his birth for an unusual
accomplishment: having four
Ys in his first name.

“We had no idea he was
so unique,” mother Rebecca
Wasserman said. “We just liked
the name.”
Father Adam Wasserman
said he and his wife named their
new son after his late grandfa-
ther, Bernard, but “Bernie” felt
too old-fashioned. They wanted
something a little more modern,
something with pizazz.

“Plus we didn’t want people
thinking we named him after
Bernie Sanders,” he said.

They narrowed it down
to Bryan and Braydyyn and
decided to combine the two in a
new name that would symbolize
the spirit of compromise.

Bryaydyyn Wasserman is pretty
smug after setting a new world’s
record — or is that just gas?
Nattakorn Maneerat iStock /
Getty Images Plus
The extraordinary infant,
whose other talents include
drooling and napping, toppled
the previous world record
of three Ys in a first name,
which was held by Cyyynthia
Green of Minneapolis. Green
did not respond to requests for
comment by press time.

Bryaydyyn’s middle name
is Samuel, after his late grand-
mother Samantha, and his
Hebrew name is Boaz.

Sharing in the joy are
siblings Kaeyedy and Cylyb. l
MARY JUANA | JE STAFF
RABBI THOMAS CHONGSTEIN
of Congregation Beth Stoner in
Center City came to a startling
conclusion the other day.

“Man, there must be
something going on because
the only people showing up for
services were Cantor Snoop
Doggberg and one congregant,
Richard Marin-Cohen, who we
call Cheech because he looks like
a kosher pork rind,” Chongstein
said. “But I was walking around
outside and saw some dudes
wearing masks and asked them
what was happening.”
“It blew my mind when
those dudes said there was a
pandemic or something going
on. No wonder nobody was
showing up!”
Chongstein described the
14 FEBRUARY 25, 2021
The indoor garden at Congregation Beth Stoner
Kimberly Delaney iStock / Getty Images Plus
pandemic as a real bummer,
but saw the positives in it, too.

“The Man [the police] has
stopped hassling us and our
indoor garden is growing better
than ever. Our Maiu Wowie,
Acapulco Gold and Thai Stick
plants look especially far out
and solid,” he said.

As part of a charitable effort
and a way to share the bumper
crop, Congregation Beth Stoner
announced a “Marijuana for
Masks” program debuting on
Feb. 31. Anyone bringing in
new masks to be distributed to
the poor will receive an ounce
of their favorite weed. l
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