opinions & letters
‘Do You Want an Answer,
or Do You Want a Hug?’
Rabbi Gershon Schusterman | Special to WJW
I was visiting one of my sons, Eliyahu, who was
working as a rabbi in Atlanta. We were walking
together one evening when he started venting to
me about what was happening to his cousin — my
nephew, also a rabbi — who had been diagnosed
with lung cancer and was losing the battle. My son
spoke to me about how good a human being my
nephew was, that he had a young and growing
family, and how difficult and unfair the situation
was for everyone. I listened patiently as he poured
his heart out.

As he was speaking, I began formulating my
rabbinic response; after all, I had done this count-
less times before. Then I realized that he is a
rabbi, too. He’s been confronted with these very
same issues, and has the wisdom of life and the
should know, because I had faced my own tragedy
in life.

One sunny Sunday morning 36 years ago, my
wife, Rochel Leah, suddenly passed away. She was
at home, taking care of our 11 children, and called
me while I was driving back home from work to
tell me she wasn’t feeling well. I could tell from
the tone of her voice that this was serious.

We rushed to the hospital and she was admitted
into the ER immediately. Within one hour, the doc-
tor came out to tell me the horrible news.

“She didn’t make it,” he said. “We tried everything
we could.”
Suddenly, my world was turned upside down.

My wife, whom I loved so much, was gone. She
was a wonderful mother, as well as a cherished
teacher and mentor in our community.

One of the practical fundamental things which
helped me get through the hardest time in my life
A person in pain is a person
who really wants the
pain to go away.

wisdom of the sages to offer just as I do. What
purpose is there in telling him that which he
already knows?
When I had an opportunity to respond, I looked
into his eyes and said: “Eliyahu, do you want an
answer, or do you want a hug?” I caught him off-
guard, and he took a few moments to respond. His
eyes filled with tears, and finally, he said: “I want
a hug.” I gave him a long hug. We didn’t need to
exchange any words at that moment. I could feel
his pain.

A person in pain is a person who really wants
the pain to go away. Sometimes, a hug serves
that need much better than any verbal answer
could. Most adults don’t know how to ask for a
hug, so they camouflage their needs under the
guise of wanting an answer. But there’s a time
to philosophize and a time to embrace, and the
trick is knowing which one you need at any given
time. The wrong response, whether it’s from the
head or the heart, can often make things worse. I
was the support from my family, my friends, and
my community. The meals people brought to me
and my children. Those who offered to babysit
or run errands for us. There was a woman who
I barely knew who came in every morning at 6
a.m. for a few weeks running and took care of my
16-month-old twins. These people gave me a hug
literally and figuratively.

As a rabbi, my immediate impulse after Rochel
Leah’s death was to try to understand on an
intellectual level what had happened. And some
people around me did too, saying things like “It’s
all for the good” or “It’s part of God’s plan.” These
statements are true, but they were not what I
needed to hear at that point in time. I just needed
people to support me.

I once received a phone call at 5 a.m. from a
rabbi I knew. He was frantic. “Rabbi Schusterman,”
he said, breathless, “a man in my community just
committed suicide. His wife and children are dev-
astated. How do I explain this to them?”
I paused for a second and collected my thoughts.

“You don’t,” I said. “There is nothing to explain
right now. Maybe one day, when they’re ready
to hear it, you can tell them Jewish teachings
on death. But right now, just be there for them.

Be there for them for the next several months.

Whatever they need, make sure they have it. Give
them support. That’s it.”
As human beings, we don’t have all the answers.

But what we do have is the ability to empathize,
to make a heart-to-heart connection and help one
another in the darkest days of our lives.

In those moments, a hug is the only answer we
need. JE
Rabbi Gershon Schusterman is the author of “Why
God Why? How to Believe in Heaven When it Hurts
Like Hell,” which is out now. For 18 years, he led the
Hebrew Academy in Orange County, Calif.

letters Dangerous Views on Christian Zionism
I was appalled at the naivety and sheer ignorance
of Irit Tratt’s contention that Israel should cozy
up to and has a greater ally in fundamentalist
Christians in the United States than we American
Jews (Opinions, “Why Christian Zionism Is More
Important Than We Think,” Dec. 22).

Does she have any notion as to why such conser-
vative Christians back Israel? It certainly is not out
of fondness for the Jewish people, as here oblique
reference to “some troubling trends among their
youth” seemingly acknowledges. Her views are
dangerous and encourage a rift between Israeli
and Diaspora Jews which in the long run will bear
poisonous fruit that both will rue.

Israel is not above reproach or questioning, and
those who cotton favor from its fanboys with agen-
das all their own for its future are very misguided
at best. JE
Lawrence A. Serlin/Havertown
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